Sometimes people inspire you to do and be something stronger than you were before. I don’t look for everyone I come in contact with or meet to offer up some life-changing moment or circumstance for me to learn from. That’s not fair to them and is definitely an unrealistic expectation. We’re humans that have different paths and reasons to exist. If our branches touch, so be it.
Death in the past, in my eyes, felt like a reprieve from all that I suffered with schizophrenia. I thought it was a release from a very painful situation….as to whether I still feel the same, the jury is in deliberation on that matter. I’m not cured – there is no cure for it, but I am medicated, therapized, and recovering as best I can. Death has been a thief. It has taken some that I have loved and thought to love and needed in its cold grasp. I have been at odds with its need to steal away those I once leaned on, went to for advice, or just enjoyed immensely. Death has been a teacher. It has taught me to spare no expense where love is concerned. To voice it, show it when possible, and share it wherever applicable. Friends, family, colleagues, and acquaintances have all been subjected to my showings.. some took to it, and some, not so much. They don’t understand or think that I’m planning on checking out early.
I wonder why that is… why love should only be uttered to loved ones when death is knocking on the door. We should re-evaluate our positions on that.
Finally, death… as I keep having to remind myself at birthdays or especially hard days…is not a thing to be feared. I am a woman who believes in God, a woman who knows in her heart that I will see him when he calls me. But I am also a woman who knows that I need to live. To enjoy, to feel, to rush into the arms of life and be free in its rays of sun.
Opposites attract and I believe that for every death that occurs, a new life is born.
This post was originally going to be a true short story about the early stages of my illness and how death fit into that. As a schizophrenic, I’ve had many ups and even more downs. Some of those downs led me to question my life and life as a whole and even God. But I wanted to share the beauty I have found in the midst of my mental illness. I’ve grown closer to my family and friends, I share my story without fear, and I have grown closer to God.
I will say that while there is some part of me that holds an irrational fear of the unknown, an even bigger part of me knows that it absolutely is irrational. That I shouldn’t fear the adventure that life is because death looms over us all.
My perspective on death from the onset of mental illness to now has indeed changed. I feel a sense of calm where death is concerned when anxiety or panic attacks aren’t ripping through me. I feel secure in my relationship with God. And I feel…at ease knowing that someday, in the end – there will be peace.
Some nights you just lay awake, thinking about all the things you’ve had to take and how much more “they” put on your plate. But like life dictates – we must eat our fill and afterward have a piece of cake.
Not that cake is disgusting or particularly unhealthy, all things in moderation… There are worst things to consume given some consideration. But when there is so much in front of us, we go about our way to presume – guilty the status of others when we are no better, they’ll flourish while we remained cocooned.
In hate or jealousy or envy or rage –
they’re set free while we’re barred by our cage.
When they say, you are what you eat, what do you think they mean? That we’ve become gluttons and have filled our bellies with unsavory things? That our lives are filled with garbage and stuff no one needs? That we have lost our way and litter rather than plant seeds?
We look for salvation in our good deeds –
when the work of our tongues seems to impede…
good living, or something close –
when the truth of our hearts is always exposed
on the same sleeve, we use to wipe our mouths with
take in a little more, of course, they insist.
Back and forth before our eyes, we lie in wait. And it is with no surprise we must all succumb to fate. Take what is given to make the best of it – then do what comes naturally with the rest of it.
It all seems to go to waste,
what has piled up on our plates,
we are forced to eat those things that we could not pass up but let beat us into submission
where the force of will and strength of mind seems to be what we’re all missing
we stand in opposition
to this particular position
They say you are what you eat and I choose to take pleasure in something new
So I ask my conscience a simple question, my dear, what on earth is eating you?
Test me. Grade my heart against all that you know and believe. Have faith in its beatings, to know they’re not faulty or there to deceive. Test me. Breathe life into this spirit that dwells and rests here. Find peace and destroy the things that give you baseless fear. Test me. Swim deep in the waters that abound through this frame. Commit to memory its movements and know this shape’s name.
I go by many but only one penetrates my mind. Whisper it sweetly in my ear with your voice and you will find… that kindness returned to you – the very same way you gave it to me. Speak my name boldly and set me free.
Love. Love …from the rooftops, shout your praise. Lift your voice to the heavens above and give them room to raise. Love from the firmament below, let this be the beginning of our story. Love, because it’s all we know, and to it be the glory. Love. Break no heart unless you plan to mend it the very same day. Love. Because it was created in us to be given away.
Watching the Grammy’s and had to jump in with Busta Rhymes on his verse from Look At Me Now… of course, I sounded very much like a baptist preacher thrown in the spirit. Speaking in tongues and such. LOL, I like attempting it every time I hear it. But poor Chris Brown lost to Robert Glasper which he blew up on Instagram about. Yeah… that sucked the loss and the blow-up. But congrats to the creative that is Mr. Glasper.
There should be no sore losers or petty winners. There should also be a class on how to accept a win or loss. Maybe that’s a dumb idea. Maybe use the manners your parents instilled in you when you are in someone else’s house playing a game and lose. Behave?? Umm… GG(good game) that shit and move on to the next?? Ion know…*shrugs*
Anyhoo – hope your Sunday is going well. It’s relatively quiet in the noggin today, with low background noise which gives me space to overthink every damn thing I put in my brain….Yay! * fist in the air* I’m working on relaxing right now. Music from the TV, a glass of Riverboat Red, and a slice of chocolate cake.
It’s working. I won’t question it. I will accept it.
I’m gonna watch the Last of Us tomorrow, tonight I feel like writing so that’s what I’m going to do.
I am forced to deal with my reality every day of my life. This morning I opened my eyes to see her standing at the foot of the bed glaring at me, seething, and judging me. As if my peace and contentment are sins to be struck down… no justice or peace, I suppose.
I saw her and I just knew the day, early as it was… before the birds come to breakfast… was about to be a bunch of bullshit. Truth. Any day that starts off with a hallucination always is.
This morning I stared at her, trying to will her to go or bother someone else in the path of her rude awakening… I’m not the one. I looked at her and turned over in bed… facing the window where the sun was trying to force its way in to tell me of my body’s extended warranty. EVERY morning … the sun wants a conversation about this. And some mornings I’m game. We talk about my invincibility and how I’ll live forever. Some days I believe that. My heart thumps solidly in my chest, panic attacks be damned. My blood is flowing like I-270 before rush hour and for the moment, I am in my right mind….meaning I haven’t taken complete leave of my senses.
Today there are several signs lit up on the dashboard of my life. My extended warranty is down to a matter of days. And I think of how I need to renew it. But once your time’s up…it’s up. I accept this today. Real recognizes real… me and the sun won’t live forever.
The sun is brutal in its glare and had strong-armed me out of bed. I pried myself from the mattress at 11:45pm. After going to bed at a decent hour (before 3am) I woke to her standing at the foot of my bed. And I begged the question, why me? Why now?
Has today been a bunch of crap? If I’m honest, no. She followed me through the house to the bathroom… then to get coffee… then to get dressed… then to prepare my brain for chess with a few computer lessons. She remained through a phone conversation with my son, through a talk with my aunt, and through much of chess club.
I had to ignore her. She spoke and her voice wasn’t a jumble of noise – it was clear. I had things to do so, talking back to the hallucination wasn’t an option. I try my hardest to keep that from happening. Negative self-talk and intrusive thoughts are a commonality, they are also a constant when stress is high.
Stress has been high and is a trigger for the episodes. I figured it would calm down after the holidays but we’re dealing with the residual stuff. The coming down from the holiday high, seasonal depression, and the aching of my pockets as I try to recover financially. A common woe amongst gift-givers. I have no buyer’s remorse or regrets about what I gave. I was happy to give it. I did what I wanted to do to see my friends and family happy. Just wish I were a bit smarter about it.
She reminds me of how stupid I can be about my finances. She reminds me that I can’t buy love and that money is as temporary as life – here one day, gone the next. She reminds me that I am not well and that I am effectively in a transitional state at present. I’m changing. And I didn’t know how much and the evidence of such until I saw a response on Discord to something I said. A fellow writer gave a reply. It was a small comic meme that my fellow writer customized to fit the moment and the things I said. It was pretty good.
We were discussing characters and how the characters we write can be “good” with a dark side and how a “bad” character can have redeeming qualities. And about how writing believable and relatable characters can be a challenge as we sometimes get stuck on trying to sell a character and their personality traits to the readers. That characters, even though fictional, need to feel real to the reader so that they can relate or connect to that particular character.
It was an awesome conversation… people chimed in and gave their takes and everything, it was wonderful. The conversation progressed. One of the group gave his thoughts about how unrealistic it is for villains to have a redemption arc in a story if he’s done all this evil. And people agreed, but a couple of people also felt like having redeeming qualities and having a redemption arc are completely different things. That on some level, people have to “like” the character they love to hate. Relate to them in their quest for vengeance or understand why they want to rid the earth of humanity.
So the conversation went on… and while it was going on, I could hear her say… no one really agrees with you and no one really cares…the negative stuff I hear all the time in my head but this was in my ear… hallucinations come on strong for no reason at times. I hushed it as best I could and continued with the conversation.
I asked: “On topic, I have a question for everyone. Since we are discussing characters, mainly villainy, what commonality do you share with the deepest darkest character you have ever written? Be truthful, you know readers think we are our characters to a certain degree lol I’m curious.”
My answer: “I lie to spare feelings and smooth things over, I constantly think of harming those who do me wrong, and I’m devious ..on top of all of that, I monologue with myself.”
The reply to that by one of the group was a meme customized for a response to me. Here’s how I know I’m changing. Before that would have had me feeling some kind of way you know? It quite possibly would have made me upset or feel singled out. But, when I read it… I laughed, deadass. I asked a friend if it was meant to hurt my feelings because it didn’t. He said it was more to show that he has a darker soul than I have.
Okay. I replied with some truthful stuff and how therapy is doing wonders for the human I currently am. Life is cotton candy and rainbows until shadowy images in my room start talking shit. But still, I haven’t responded to it so my day is still in Care Bear Land.
My villain origins started when I was very young but here we are… an anti-hero. Not good or bad. My alter ego is questionable due to reasons beyond my control, but we get things done.
We moved on with the conversation. Everyone behaved themselves and positions on the matter were expressed. We’re good but I love a good conversation that gets your blood flowing. No need to shout or yell from the top of your lungs what you believe. State your case, back it up, and move on. That’s what we do.
Now … during the whole thing, my brain was pulling out all the stops. I wasn’t just seeing the shadowy figure whose voice was clearer, I was seeing her come together. An outline in a shape I didn’t really recognize. More noise, a high-pitched voice saying something I didn’t quite understand on top of all the negative crap being spewed. And these lights in my field of vision, like sparkles which might actually be my eyesight going to shit.
I reached for headphones and music. More noise to cover up the noise that’s already there, at least music is more pleasant. The noise has since stopped. I used YouTube to pull up something I love now. A fireplace crackling with the soothing sounds of a thunderstorm in the background. I rested for a little while after everything. Ate some pizza and after that, listened to the thing on my tv and did a breathing exercise.
I downloaded Calm on my phone to also help with this stuff. I’ve used it once since downloading it and I’m going to try it again tonight. The breathing helps and envisioning where I want to be and what I want to happen helps. I wouldn’t call that meditation. I don’t know what I’d call it. I think meditation is bringing yourself to a sense of calm, clearing the mind, and focusing on breathing… what I did was take myself away from the present. I needed to. It helped.
While doing that, I thought about a project that I’ve been keeping notes on. Something I posted here the other day drew me to the thought of that piece of work. Past, present, and future selves… merging into one place in a person’s life. A place without causing a rift in time but correcting a moment in that life.
What is a rift? A crack, split, or break in time?? No, this would be a ripple. Correcting one moment to ripple through the years to affect other moments… to bring about an ideal outcome.
Regret, trauma, love…can all be a driving force behind that action. And the catalyst as well as the outcome? Miraculous.
What would allow you to do something like that? Hmm… (I’m problem solving) Science can only allow you to do so much. Either by machine or the hands of man, you are limited. Mysticism …maybe? Spiritually? Could be. People claim to leave their bodies all the time, claim to speak with God, and claim to visit other realms. I don’t think mysticism and spirituality are all that different. Both rely on your belief in something otherworldly. Some might argue one exists outside the other, but in practice – you do the same things.
You commune with the absolute power of the universe or God (Meditate or Pray)
You seek out what you need and want and bring into being (Manifest or Petition the Holy Spirit)
You rise above this plane of existence (transcendence or transition) -( Nirvana or Heaven)
You gain gifts of personal transformation or of the spirit (visions, healing, intuition, and prophecy)
What if a person tries every avenue known before they come across something that works… like every pill you take doesn’t get you to healing, it does a little something but there’s no cure …but maybe the right mixture of stuff comes close to doing the job. Maybe with faith in mysticism, religion, and the use of a little science – you get where you need to be.
For some reason, Flatliners comes to mind.
I’m gonna add all of this to my notes.
It’s 9:43pm and the only noise I hear now is subtle murmurs because I had to take the headphones off. How does one not lose their shit on a daily basis?
Calgon, coffee, Klonopin, and Christ. My own personal mixture of mysticism, science, and faith. Come on, coffee and a hot bath at the right moment….otherworldly.
I’ve blabbed enough.
Changing, evolving, and growing. Wait… is this maturity?👀 Nah… prolly just gas.
I’m gonna renew my body’s extended warranty with a little prayer tonight. It soothes me. It gives me peace of mind and my prayer life is fruitful. There are things I sum up to the human experience. Mental illness is one of those things. I think every human on this earth has a touch of it. In that regard, we should be able to relate to each other. Various forms of depression and anxiety. Panic attacks… happens to the best of us. We are more than that which seeks to define us.
The title has nothing to do with nothing except that the first part belongs in poetry…
The more I reflect on time, the stranger it or… I ….becomes. I was thinking… Ty, how many poems and short stories have you written in your tiny life span? And I could not come up with an answer. I’m not sure where that number hoovers. More than 50, more than a hundred? Closer to 200? And where the hell are all of the things you’ve created?
That I can answer.
I’ve written stories and poems for friends and family, I even kept a notebook with my best friend in high school where I wrote her stories and shared junk from life with her. Several websites and crashed computers have held my work. And there is a box in my closet that is full of notebooks with my ideas, stories, poems, and journals from middle school to now. There’s really no way of counting or knowing what topics I’ve covered or revisited. Have I written the same thing a few times? That’s a strong possibility.
I’m looking at some stuff that I wrote on a legal pad in March 2015. I like to date everything I write by hand. These writings range from poems about money to thoughts on love and everything in between. What I cannot remember is whether or not I’ve posted them here on this blog.
I won’t post anything tonight, I wanna clean them up some – It looks like some of this was in one of those moments where it gets loud in my head and I write in a hurry before I lose the idea.
It looks messy but my handwriting is always all over the place during the chaos and outside of the chaos that schizophrenia – I can tell how difficult a day will be based on my handwriting. When it’s loud in my brain I don’t even try to write by hand. I employ music and use my phone or laptop. My own personal workaround. Tonight happens to be a music and laptop night. Stress and drama triggers.
I want to be organized with my postings – I keep saying that I’m going to try scheduling posts but that means I have to sit down and write them right? Lol, I need some structure this year. Not necessarily routine but structure… a way of doing things that is effective.
Just gotta do it. That’s all.
I’ve been seeing angel numbers a lot lately – like 3:33, 4:44…. and now it’s 11:11. How I manage to glance at the clock every time I don’t know but I like it.
This poem is a mess———————>>>>>>
Okay loves, I just came to state my intentions but we know how well that goes.
(I realize this post is super late… it’s been sitting in my drafts for weeks but I thought since it was already composed that I would share it.)
After several days of thinking deeply about what I could say good about 2022…(the year we named Lulu)…and coming up with nothing while I listened to music, it hit me… silly girl, you discovered a lot of music that was new to you…in 2022. Sooo here’s a list of artists and their songs that got me through 2022, sometimes on repeat a billion times or more lol. (Note: Some of these artists I know of, but am just getting into new albums or old music I hadn’t heard.)
Alex Isley
-Good & Plenty
-Still Wonder
-There Was Love
The Marias
-Hush
-Calling You Back
Keyon Dixon
-Closer
-Getting Late
-Love on Replay
-On My Mind
Raheem DeVaughn
-Mr. Midnight
-Fragile
Durand Bernarr
-Leveled
-Mango Butter
-Rollin
Two Feet
-Fire
-I Feel Like I’m Drowning
-Lost The Game
Labrinth
-EVERY DAMN SONG I LISTENED TO
Jacob Banks
-Chainsmoking
-In The Name of Love
Lonr
-Save My Love
-Make the Most
Jill Scott
-Wanna Be Loved
-Imagination
-I Am Here
Tiana Major9, EARTHGANG
-Collide
Tiana Major9, Lucky Daye
-On Read
Tiana Major9, Babyface
-Say Less
The Notorious B.I.G., Twista, Bone Thugs n Harmony
-Spit Your Game
Ari Lennox
-Pressure
-Shea Butter Baby
Chloe Bailey
-Have Mercy
-Treat Me
-Pray It Away (new music 2023…inspired some poetry)
Usher
-Superstar
Masego, Devin Morrison
-Yamz
SZA
-Kill Bill (new 2023…has been on repeat)
These are just a few. I do listen to a lot of different types of music and a wide variety of artists and I’m always looking for new music. I find music on Instagram, Tik Tok, Twitter, YouTube, or by friend suggestions. I love what speaks to me.
I have a few different playlists on YouTube with what I listen to from time to time when the mood strikes… every day can’t be a NIN day – but if you ask me… Every Day is Exactly the Same. 😆
{Alright, lovelies – that’s the post. I’ll be working on more poetry and short stories to post here and there’s a bigger work that I’m trying to decide on posting here – there are three options … I’m just having a hard time trying to choose which one to post here. I’m trying to choose between a western (Two Pennies and a Pine Box), a little detective story (Round Midnight), or an erotic drama/thriller (Storms in Summer)…I actually feel like Round Midnight might be the right choice….but I need to overthink it a little bit more….for good measure, I suppose. I’ll be working on Round Midnight to make it postable, presentable, and consumable.}
Have a goodnight!
Put that thing back where you got it from. That’s how stuff gets lost. *wags a finger in your direction* and make sure…the puppers and kitters are inside, cold as hell out there.
Fast flowing, ever-growing is the sea of our own knowing,
and there’s no sign of this stream of consciousness ever slowing.
Jump in with two feet – hold on tight for the ride,
only the brave survive the leap, there’s no time to hide.
Breast strokes to certain death,
floating on our backs with no strength left,
the tide is rising too quickly and takes us under,
left to fend for ourselves, courage torn asunder,
it’s time to make waves or float on,
fortunately, we’re more than old songs.
Be in this moment or none at all
or find your message in writing
on the wall.
I’m working as busy little bees do. Trying to prepare a few things I have for the blog and finishing up on some reading I had to sit down for a moment because… life. I’m ready to get back into my writing and maybe even… brush the dust off of a certain media project I began.
Also, there is a post I wanted to make after the New Year that I completely forgot about – I have a few things in drafts and that post is one of them soooo… it will be posted shortly. 2023 isn’t messing around, is she? She’s definitely about her business like I need to be. Tomorrow is February… TOMORROW!! My goodness and it’s going to be a short month as usual.
The Gregorian calendar is a weird thing. Greg’s calendar and Al Gore’s Rhythm need to meet for lunch and maybe align themselves properly because my sleep schedule and social media engagement are in the trash. Lol Let me stop, I haven’t been posting much for people to see anyway. So I can’t complain.
We are simultaneously living in the past, present, and future! Is this a sign that the Matrix is real? Or time travel, or OR… oohhhhh the multiverse?!?!
This is actually pretty damn cool…hmmm… and it gives me ideas. Or solidifies an idea I’ve been working on.
Alright on to the next post. See ya soon!
(Didn’t see the little writing prompts this time but I noticed that the Jetpack thingy has it… Do I need to update my stuffs?)
I’ve been spending some time with my daughter and we’ve been doing creative scrapbooking. She loves it and I love that she loves it. It places her in calmer state and destresses her, which she needs. I hate to see her so worked up and frustrated at the things going on around her.
Twenty-one years old soon to be twenty-two and she’s resisting it. We talked about it a little and I hear fear and a touch of apathy in her. It seems while my son is embracing adulthood, my daughter is a little reluctant.
I think she’s a lot like me when I was her age. I try not to openly tell her that because I want her to grow into her own person without too much influence from my life. While I see many similarities in us… I want her life to be better than mine. I want better for them both.
Kai is in speech therapy. He’ll be 2 in March and we’ve noticed that his gibberish is turning into actual words. He calls me ‘nanny’. I will take it. I had been practicing with him, trying to get him to say granny. Lol.
He’s my shadow and sticks to me when he visits. It’s the cutest thing … like his dad. Tj was much the same too at Kai’s age. It’s just funny to me how they do the things their parents did.
I’m seeing all these similarities in my kids and stuff… where has the time gone? They were babies yesterday… asking a million and one questions. Asking for money for the latest must have. Needing help with homework. Arguing with me about wanting more responsibility. 😆
Now.. my son has all the responsibility he can handle because Kai is two hands full. And my daughter has freedom of choice but still feels the need to ask permission. And I often wonder how much of this is actual insecurity or autism. She’s on the spectrum and I know some things are hard for her. I have to remind her that she’s an adult now so she doesn’t need my permission but i get why she asks. Patience and understanding are my forever friends with my kids, they teach me a lot. Speaking of which, Kai is feeling out his own little independence and doesn’t need mine or anyone else’s opinion, permission, or help 😆.
What’s funny is… he was here a few days ago and he was sleepy and tried to make me take a nap with him. Lol he was patting my shoulder and humming lol the humming threw me because that’s something new he’s started but trying to get me to nap with him….let me tell ya, he didn’t have twist my arm. 😆 I napped and it was great.
We both woke up refreshed. He waved and smiled at me upon waking and I gave him a big hug and then we were off to watch Paw Patrol. We haven’t seen Blues Clues in a while. We always miss it.
But yeah…been thinking about my family a lot lately, trying to find ways to make their lives better. I always want to help, especially if I see that they’re struggling with things. I’m also teaching myself a valuable lesson.
Well…Kai is teaching the lesson.
When he was here last, we played with his foam mats that have big shapes cut into them. Circle, square, triangle, and a hexagon. We have smaller ones that have the letters of the alphabet cut into them. Anyway, Kai likes to remove the shapes and letters then try to put them back in place. He struggled for a while. He tried to make the circle fit the square and got frustrated when it didn’t. I was just about to step in and help when Kai took the circle and stood up, looked at it, then looked at the mat he got it from …then placed it in the right shape.
There I was… ready to take over …. ready to be tagged in to help but all he needed was a little perspective. Standing up to look down from his position to see where it would fit all on his own.
Sometimes we just need a little perspective and time to figure a thing out. I could relate this to my personal beliefs and chess but…I won’t bore you. Just know that, I’m learning to step back and let them figure things out as well as step back to figure my things out.
Also…this happened in chess last week
Game Over!
This…what you see in that image, is called an ‘insufficient material draw’. There’s no way a king can mate the other king, this resulted from me eating the last playable piece on the board, which was his rook if I remember correctly. And since wins are tallied by who has the most points at the time of a draw, I gained points and he… my instructor…lost points. It wasn’t a great deficit but bragging rights are bragging rights. I hold the crown for now….the girls in the class get imaginary crowns for their wins, the boys get an imaginary wrestling championship belt 🤣
The crown was my idea…the belt was all Mr. Payne lol it’s funny because he actually has one and has shown it to us on numerous occasions. While in our meets we have fun, we are also teaching the kiddos proper etiquette and respect for the game and other players… no sore losers or terrible winners at tournament time or even when we meet.
We’re doing pretty well with them. Up next for gambit to learn …the Stafford Gambit. I need to master this thing also…the en passant! I keep missing my opportunity to do that when it shows up.
Enough chess talk… I hope everyone is good or near good. February is in a couple of days, dress accordingly. Still wintering over here. There’s snow on the ground. Not much but enough to be a problem for people that can’t drive on it. Or refuse to drive like they got some sense. 🙄
Anybody watching The Last of Us? Have you played the game? What do you think of it? I’m liking what I see in the show. I’ve never played the game but I have seen a little of the game play on YouTube. It’s kinda heavy, these last two episodes my goodness. Haven’t seen the 3rd one yet so don’t spoil it lol.
Alright…enough of my blabbing.
Good night, I hope you’re somewhere warm and comfortable – keep the unhoused in your thoughts and on your hearts. Help where you can.
Here we are at another Monday on the 23rd day of January in the year two thousand and twenty-three.
I’m all knots and nerves today. Anxiety is threatening to take me under and I just needed some way of distracting myself, so here we are doing something constructive. I learned this in therapy…the art of focusing my attention elsewhere. Sometimes it works and most times I find myself doing busy work to help focus on other things besides what’s going on in my head.
Oh there’s a lot in there and believe me when I tell you, none of it makes any sense.
Today, in about an hour, I go visit my therapist because the anxiety has been out of control. Yesterday was spent beneath my weighted blanket for much of the day. It was only later in the evening when it let up.
Why is it a thing that happens to people? Why not something cool like flying and feeling the pit of your stomach go to butterflies or fall from being so high up?
I have had so many dreams of flying… sometimes with wings, sometimes without. It makes me wonder… when dreams are vivid like that if we were meant to. I think we’d be happier people if we could.
What excuse would you have for remaining where you are? For not exploring this great big wonderful world?
None. Well maybe a fear of heights or falling…I guess.
I feel like creating today…to put this nervous energy into something…anything that will let me be creative. I don’t know what I’ll do though. I kinda feel like writing or some art work. If I can’t bring myself to do it then I’ll chill out and watch the second episode of The Last of Us and also, catch up on The Mayfair Witches.
I really enjoyed Interview with the Vampire. Can’t wait to see Season 2. I’m hoping for a second season of Moonknight as well. I’m ready for it.
Bloggish 