I Know The Blues / A Lovely Day

You know I’m tailored to these blues…

there’s no one size fits all and this is what I choose.

My song is of resolution and consequence,

of love and hope – of triumph and defeat,

of soulful reparation and recompense,

at the intersection of where pain and pleasure meet.

I wail and moan to the rhythm of struggle and success,

whether I’m known for my blessings or tragedies, I could care less.

Because it’s the music that lends the soundtrack to the life I lead,

some hear random sounds, I hear warnings of which to take heed.

My blues, my song, my rhythm and sound…

lend to my heart a feeling so profound…

that I have to sit and close my eyes to capture the meaning behind the words,

and while this song is so sorrowful – it is the sweetest thing I’ve ever heard.

~~~~~

A little music on this fine Friday.  I’m enjoying the beginning of my weekend with my retail therapy purchases, which consists of new comforter, new sheets and a nice mattress topper for my super firm mattress. Man, I could bounce a quarter of this sucker.  I’ve been trying to turn my bedroom into a place of comfort for a while now and it’s nearly there. I think I want a plant or something in here but where the hell would I put it?? Lol, I need more space.  I actually need to rearrange the room yet again. It would help free up more space and give me access to my closet. I can barely get in there without removing things and such… that might be on my spring cleaning list. Speaking of which, the weather has been awesome! The other day it got up to 71 and and yesterday 65. Today it’s supposed to be like 57 degrees. I’ll take it.

Dare I say we have Spring a lot earlier than expected unless this is the Spring of Deception.  Mother Nature can keep Third Winter… we don’t need it. I’m expecting the Winds of March anytime now. I remember one year I nearly took flight because the wind was so strong which was really weird for Missouri. Not uncommon for Chicago but here it was like St. Louis was playing copycat.

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I’m glad the weather is breaking. I need the warmth of the sun. I literally live for it. I didn’t have much to talk about today. I wanted to post a new poem and update the blog so mission accomplished.

I had a thought earlier about my ideas that never see the light of day.

The worst idea to have is the one you’ve devoted so much thought to but didn’t pursue. – Me

I hear someone saying, what if it gets you in trouble…and to that I say, you never know unless you try! 😂😂😂  Which brings me to this – Don’t go looking for trouble, give it enough time to find you. Then proceed with caution. LOL (Was about to spell Caution- Caughtion… what is wrong with me?!)

Being in trouble is yet another way to get the blood pumping through your veins. It tests our strengths and reveals our weaknesses. Wait… do we really need that?? No, nevermind. Lol me on my campaign for doing dumb things…smh 🤦‍♀️

Anyway, I hope you’re all having a great day and are enjoying the mild temperatures. Get some sun and fresh air today.

Be good humans!❤

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Cinema Sunday: Cut Throat City

Well folks it’s…

NOT

New and improved2 but it’s definitely back!

Welcome back to Cinema Sunday… don’t know if it was missed but I missed it. Here on Bloggish Cinema Sunday helped me relax and enjoy my weekend without getting too wound up and side tracked on stuff that doesn’t need my immediate attention. We could all use the break. So here we are with a nice little movie review for you. Today’s film…on the last day of Black History Month (which is everyday for me), we watched… Cut Throat City. And what better way to celebrate a movie that is heavy with social commentary about race relations in America and how its politics affect everyone, especially those thought to be the lesser of us.

Cut Throat City is a 2020 film written by Paul Cushieri and directed by RZA. (Wu-Tang Forever!) Starring Ethan Hawke, T.I., Wesley Snipes, Terrence Howard, Eiza González, Kat Graham, Shameik Moore, Demetrius Shipp Jr., Denzel Whitaker, Keean Johnson, Isaiah Washington.

Bereft of opportunities in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, a young man and his close friends turn to a life of crime in the 9th Ward of New Orleans.

Cut Throat City stars Shameik Moore, (the voice actor of Mile Morales in Spider-Man: Into the Spider- Verse) as a young man named Blink. Blink is an aspiring artist working on a graphic novel called Cut Throat City and is also a newly wed. The story is set moments before Hurricane Katrina struck New Orleans and decimated the city. Leaving Blink and his friends Miracle,  Andre, and Junior in search of a way to cure their money woes in Katrina’s wake. FEMA is no help and seem to be selective about who receives any services. Blink’s friends pressure him to get what they need as far as work and money from his new relative, Cousin, the Lower Ninth Ward’s criminal element.

After visiting Cousin and witnessing a brutal exchange between he and one of his boys, the group find themselves under his employ and fearful of disappointing him.  The group is given the job of relieving a casino of its assets and while they succeed, it is not without consequence. I won’t spoil too much for you but the ends the boys go to just to survive is heart wrenching. We can all point fingers and say why a criminal shouldn’t be, but we never even know what their thought process is or motives behind their actions. This movie shows you a little bit of that in this fictional narrative.

Throughout the film there are short history lessons of New Orleans given by various characters. Some speak of them for their own agendas while others just seem to wax poetically about the current condition of New Orleans…but not a one of them says how they would fix it. As a matter of fact, the ones that would fix it, are risking their lives for their livelihood.

It is listed as a crime drama and it doesn’t disappoint.

Now let’s talk about the ending…or not. Guys, I’m truly confused by it and don’t know what to make of it at all. If you watch or have watched this film…please give me your interpretation of what you think happened. I don’t want to spoil it but I was left saying… HUH???

So my favorite part of Cinema Sundays is the ratings system..

Ovations in the form of handclaps I believe?? It’s been a while. Let me check something really quick.  Yes!

So we have a scale of 5 ovations that can be earned on these 5 things.

Cinematic Quality, Run Time, Solid Story Line/Plot, Attention Magnet, Ending

Cut Throat City earned a solid 4 our of 5 ovations for me. Not 5 because again, that ending.

👏👏👏👏 / 👏👏👏👏👏

Next Week I think I will be reviewing a horror film… which one it will be, I am unsure. How about in the next blog I write I list it there?? If I can remember to do so, then I will. I watched another film today called Eli, which I believe is a Netflix original… it was crazy I found myself talking to the television and the characters because they were making bad choices. Like they can hear me. Someone needs to make a movie with that, where the characters can hear what the watcher is saying during their film. And they respond! I’d love that. Was that a Black Mirror episode? I haven’t watched all of them but it sounds like it would be.

Okay, off I go. I’m also binging Black Lightning on Netflix so, I want to get back to that. I hope everyone is having a good Cinema Sunday with whatever it is you are watching. May it be good to the eyes and ears.

I think I need to make these things more structured so I will work on that so that they don’t seem so broken or not thought through. Okay. Good talk lol.

See you guys later!

Be good humans ❤

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Meaning / Ball’s In My Court

Jesus told me to be the salt of Earth, so call me seasoning…

I’m here for your enhancement and to give life more meaning,

Not flat in flavor but rich in texture and taste,

Never one to let sage wisdom go to waste.

The light of the world shining like truth,

Haven’t been this bright since the days of my youth,

Not uncouth but a thing of beauty and grace,

So damn fine, you’ll remember my face.

Pace yourselves while you imbibe on my words,

Inebriated on all the potent things you’ve just heard,

Let it all sink in, gin soaked philosophies for one and all,

Together we’ll convey these messages until another empire falls.

Not to mince words, but my lyrics are double edged narratives to the ear,

Cut from the purest substances and delivered to you without pause or fear.

I’m just seeking to get you hooked on this poetic narcotic, ready for it rush through your veins,

New customers are never overlooked, let this drug flow through and over you like summer rains,

Never thought to be a pain you want release from, so you can lock this missive away in your hearts,

The first step to knowledge is to lend yourself to understanding and then your freedom will start.

~~~~

A little poetry off the top of my head up there.  Rarely will I go through a planning stage with poetry unless it’s a bigger piece that I want to get a specific point across with.  Sometimes they pan out, sometimes they don’t. That’s just the way the dice rolls. 

It’s been a pretty easy Friday. No hiccups or anything like that but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t waiting for something to happen…like bad news of some sort. I need to get out of that mindset. Sometimes a good day is just that, with no bad things. My life isn’t the series of unfortunate events that my brain likes to think it is.

Nooo… it’s actually been a blessed existence. So much has gone right for me. Yeah, I don’t need to entertain negative thoughts. Anyway… I don’t have much to say this evening. So I’m gonna re-immerse myself back into the Arrowverse and complete my watching of Black Lightning on Netflix. Speaking of Netflix… I need to get back to Cinema Sundays. I enjoyed those so I think I might pick it up again this Sunday. I’m not doing anything anyway and the world is still closed for business as quarantine drags on.. I have all the time in the world. 

(((((( all. the. time. in. the. world. ))))))  (dizzying)

Who would have thought we’d be complaining about having too much time on our hands?? Yeah, no where in my imagination could I make any of this up. Lol Quarantine, snow in Texas, Murder Hornets, planetary alignments… Jesus is that you??? 

What else could it all mean?? Other than global warming and other worldly wrongs…  I think I really want the Lord to come back now. Lol I know that’s a little scary to think about but man… look. I’m tired and people haven’t been the greatest.  I’m kinda ready to go to Glory. Take me up yonder, swing by sweet chariot and let ME ride Lol. I’m ready for more than this.

Let me get out of here before I type what I’m really thinking. ..

Okay so look, not to make anyone worry, I’ve been thinking a lot of about death and the after life. One of the characters on Black Lightning said, ” Everybody wants to go to Heaven, but no one wants to die.” Do you know how true that statement is?? Like I think those of us wanting the afterlife just want to get swept up and called away to Heaven, without having to experience death. The fear of the unknown kinda plays on our fears, ya know?? Like will it hurt, where exactly will I be? Is there really Heaven and Hell? What is God going to say when I have to stand before him??

All very prevalent and honest to goodness thoughts some of us have but…like… I don’t know. I don’t think Death is a bad thing. While I don’t plan on rushing or tempting death… I think really, that I am coming to terms with this as a part of life. 

In the past, I made attempts on my life because I had given up on this life and the people in it and myself. And since I had kinda been in between wanting to live and not caring if I die but now… I feel like, if it happens, it happens but I’m not going to rush it. I just really want to accomplish the things I want to accomplish before that time comes and COVID-19 is really lighting a fire beneath me to get those things done. Like if covid were personified, he would be the unstable cousin of Death. Taking some, leaving others, but touching us all in some way. 

I won’t lie, Covid is making me think and rethink some things. I’m more careful with my life and other people’s lives. I think about others more and how my actions affect them and the world. Yes, the world. Each human death causes a rippling through our lives whether we know that person or not.  It touches us. Whether we hear about it word of mouth or in the news. We area affected by it.

Part of my thoughts on death is that no matter when I go, it will be what was needed for that moment. I trust God and I know he operates in his own time. Not necessarily, a taking his sweet time thing because I have experienced him acting quickly on behalf but on a time that is specific to him that will work things out for the better for us. Sometimes we have to sit still and experience a thing. Sometimes it’s something we don’t need to be a part of too.

There’s something that keeps jumping in my thoughts about how we utilize our time while we’re here on Earth. Oddly enough, it’s taken from Hamilton the play. Hamilton’s wife is on stage reflecting about how her husband was working like he was running out of time or on borrowed time. And I feel that so much. Recently, I’ve felt this fire lit beneath me to get a specific project done but it’s like I’m more focused on that feeling than I am the project and I’m wondering why. Now maybe it’s best I don’t question it and just do the thing but I can’t help it. I want to know what that is stemming from or what the origin is.

I don’t think I’ll ever know but I’m glad that I’ve recognized that. I’ve stopped fearing death. I’m not even concerned over whether there will be pain or not. It’s a thing I can’t control so me adding a “but” to that statement is useless. What I would have said is… BUT I don’t want my family to witness it, I don’t want my children scarred by it. I don’t want it to be in the hands of people who mean me harm. I’d like a natural death of old age…but again, I have no control over that.

So yeah… No more fear of things I can’t control. It doesn’t mean I’m gonna go and do a bunch of irresponsible stupid things…Hell No! What it does mean though is that I’m going to stop living afraid and just start living. Got things to do so I need to get on the ball or let it roll to the next person. It just so happens to be in my court so… I gotta take the shot. And I know you see it coming… “I’m not throwing away my shot!”

Be good humans ❤

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Thoughts on Writing & Friends and Apps…

It’s been a really strange time for me as a writer lately. I get blips of texts or long drawn out detailed ideas that I just can’t seem to breathe life into. I know I’m not the only one that this has happened to from time to time but this seems to be stretching on and it’s messing with me a little bit.

Phrases like: One trick pony, Imposter and Pretender…Phony all come to mind and it bothers the hell out of me. How can I be a one trick pony when my tricks have yet to be revealed (authorial and novel-wise)? I go on and on about this thing (novel) but if I have to speak the truth, I am overwhelmed.  Yeah, I know, I did it to myself but when does the feeling go away? When do things come together? When does completion rear its beautiful face?

There’s no other way around my feelings. I’m…. tired. My fire is a low smolder dying to be fueled so that it can burn high and bright. What happened??

I make promises to myself to get things done and then don’t keep them. So I am lying to myself, which is never a good practice. I don’t know whether to call it a blockage or a hindrance…. it feels like so much more.

sisyphus

The Sisyphean Task

Do we know the story of Sisyphus? No? Let me give you a brief telling of why this story and this image is an accurate depiction of my mind at present. 

In Greek mythology, Sisyphus was king of Corinth who was famous for his trickery and wicked intelligence, as he managed to cheat death not once, but twice! The first time he managed to chain Death (Hades) up preventing him from his duties so that no humans died thereafter. Ares set Death free so that he was able to resume his work. The second time, he worked his skillful and cunning tongue on Hades’ wife Persephone promising that he would return to Hades after his release because Sisyphus wanted to instruct his wife on the proper ritual for his death. He never returned and Death would not go near him again because he remembered how he’d been chained up by Sisyphus. (Death was afraid of a man?!) So Sisyphus lived to an old age due to Death’s reluctance to be near him). Zeus caught wind of Sisyphus’s trickery and decided to reward him with… a punishment. Lol, no one cheats Death twice! When Sisyphus died a third time, Zeus decided to intervene, he didn’t want humans to become encouraged by Sisyphus’s behavior and actions so he determined that the punishment would have to be long and tedious. So Zeus outfitted Sisyphus with a large boulder that he was to push up the incline of a mountain until he reached the top in the depths Hades. The only thing is, whenever Sisyphus reached the top with the boulder, the sheer weight of the thing would weigh down on Sisyphus’s shoulders and roll back down, starting him back at square one.

The Sisyphean task is this: a task that seems to have no end, a task that is both endless and futile, no matter how much you do it, it never seems to get done.

I am Sisyphus and my bolder is my novel in revision stage.  To me, it seems like the more I chop away at the novel and change things and make some hard decisions about what stays and what goes – the less happy I am because, there is so much of it to get through. I know, I know… shouldn’t be a shock as I wrote the thing but man… like I know I did it to myself but I just want a more positive outlook, not a never ending task that will never see the comfort of a bookshelf… ya know? And I don’t ever want to feel like my work needs to be put out of its misery… I just want to get to completion and happy with what I’ve completed.

Now, I am not without hope or help. I’ve enlisted the help of professionals from Masterclass. Like I’ve been sitting in on some of the sessions and am learning a great deal about my novel. Like my opening line and beginning may not necessarily be that. My beginning might actually be the paragraph I wrote three pages away. Depends on how I want to open it up and I really want a strong opening. So I have lots to think about in regards to my novel. So much to do. I’m tired and overwhelmed but I want my project to live and in order to do that, I must breathe life into her. I must give her the life she deserves.

In other news, I have friends. 

That’s it, that’s the news.  LOL  No, I have friends that are doing some great things and said great thing is… well… writing.  So my friend Greg is all signed up on Vocal and I just want to give him some shine here.

Vocal is an all in one platform where you can share your stories, build your audience, and earn money.  Vocal has easy to use story creation tools, you can earn money from reads, tips, and challenges, they moderate every story for safety, and there are no annoying ads.

My friend who is a prolific story teller has three short stories there and I am going to link each one. 

The Adam Project –  (Science Fiction) The world has ended but the future can be saved.

Grandfather – (Futurism) Son defies mother to meet his grandfather.

Shattered – (Psyche) A woman deals with herself.

Here’s a little something about the author of these stories. His pen name is G. Dean Manuel. He lives in Olathe, Kansas. He is a huge fan of Fantasy and Science Fiction writing and when he’s not writing, he’s cooking awesome dishes that honestly make me sad that I live so far away from him, as I would love to be the chief taste tester of the goodness he creates.  He is owned by his feline overlord, High King Margo the Destroyer (Yes all of that!). And his sense of humor is an acquired taste. Downside to Mr. Manuel, his sense of humor is an acquired taste. 😂😂😂 I kid, I kid. He’s human and by definition has many flaws that make for great stories. (Like they should for us all). My friend is a quick wit with a sharp sword. Sometimes that sword cuts both ways and that’s the truth. He’s adept and skilled at what he does and is a survivor if I’ve ever known one (with this, it takes one to know one).

And that is it for my brag fest about G. Dean Manuel. 

Ty, wHy YoU nO GIvE HOnEsT OPinINion oF hIM?

I thought I did?? Oh… I see… you want to know if there’s anything in his personality that is not agreeable and such huh? Well I can tell you, the man himself is a handful. He has a very high opinion of himself. Sometimes maybe lofty expectations of those around him but I don’t have to live with him, I just want to eat his food. Lol He is kind hearted and has manners, but not everyone sees that right away. It’s a thing of getting to know him. I make no excuses nor do I apologize for my friends, I leave that to them. But if you want an honest to goodness down to earth human that will tell you how it is and what it is, he’s your guy and that’s what I love about him. He treats the prince and the pauper with the same respect.

Now that we’ve got that all out of the wa-

wHY fRIenDs WItH tHAt gUY?

Because deep down in that guy, he has a heart of gold and spirit of steel. Do you know how much those things cost?? *whistles* Nothing to shake your head at, I’ll tell ya that!

People on their journeys through life happen upon us, you know? Like, life is an ocean and we’re the shore and they either wash up on us or row with all their might to meet us. Because something about us might seem comforting to them, something might feel like home, or depending on where you’re coming from – feels like everything but home and that’s good too. 

He was the shore and I washed up.

We good on the questions?? Yah??? Okay.

I gotta get going, my daughter is talking about wanting to drink and she’s not of age yet so I need to go tell her to make a chocolate milk and sit down somewhere. Drinking… Smh lol That girl cracks me up, I swear! My son on the other hand, is in Arizona fretting about getting home. Lord help, no really, I might have to have a drink for all three of us.

I have red and Moscato left. I might be partaking in one of those before bed time. 

Be good humans ❤

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Ps. Did you guys know that WordPress has Podcast options?! I’m curious enough to look in to this.

 

 

Yeah yeah yeah… 😒

So …love is in the air for you….(nods head), fireworks are bursting, birds are suddenly appearing and singing 90s R&B songs about knocking boots and what not while the rest of us are …. SINGLE…. A….F.  Yeah… good old massacre of the hearts day.

What better way to say I love you, than with a arrow through your your blood pumper??

I’m really not that salty about the day. No really. I like getting old chocolates on the day after Valentine’s Day as an afterthought…for whatever reason you deemed I should recognized the day after… wait… am… am I… the sidechick?!

My angel watching the guy from a cloud with his cigarette ready to smite a bitch…

smoking angel

Seriously tho, I hope those of you who enjoy and celebrate Valentine’s Day have a great lover’s holiday. I will not be celebrating this year because, well… like I said…. Single As F–k. I’m rarely thought about on that day and if I am, it’s always after the fact. I get to hear the stories about how I should have been the one to go on the date instead of who they chose. Messed up right?? It’s been like that for awhile now. Meet a guy, show interest in guy, throw self at guy…get ignored…listen to dating fails from said guy and brood about wasted time.

Yeah guy… I’m hip.

What’s funny is, this guy reads the blog. Ha! If it walks and talks and quacks and shit….you know the rest.

I am in a horrible mood today… damn it!  😣 Maybe by the end of this post, I will feel better… anyway… I came here to present to you, a list of Anti-Valentine’s Day songs for those who are in need of such a list. Rather than posting each and every song via YouTube, I’ll just list the song and provide link in the text.  That way, no one is annoyed.

(God knows I am right now)

Let’s get on with it….

(We’ll start of strong to set the mood…)

Anti-Valentine’s Day Playlist!

Hello Love – T.Rone

The New Cupid – BJ the Chicago Kid ft. Kendrick Lamar

She Hates Me – Puddle of Mudd

I Hate Everything About You – Three Days Grace

Eye Hate U – Prince

Don’t Hurt Yourself – Beyonce

You Give Love A Bad Name – Bon Jovi

Love Bites – Def Leopard (not too sure about this one, it’s a bit of a toss up)

Needed Me – Rihanna

It Kills Me – Melanie Fiona

Back To Black – Amy Winehouse

Lips Are Movin – Meghan Trainor

So Sick – Ne-Yo

Is it A Crime – Sade

Tainted Love – Soft Cell

Dazed and Confused – Led Zeppelin

Hit’Em Up Style – Blu Cantrell

Bust Your Windows – Jazmine Sullivan

Thnks fr the Mmrs – Fall Out Boy

Thanks for the Venom – My Chemical Romance

That’s all I got ladies and gents. I’m sure there are more I’m not thinking of. If you can think of any list them. I’d love to give them a listen. That will be how I’m spending my V-Day. Me and music and wine. Maybe a few poems or something, who knows. 🤷‍♀️ I will be occupied.

Last year, I was a personal muse for my writer friends over on my Facebook author page. There’s not much going on there lately, so….man… it’s hard keeping up with all of my outlets. If my mood improves, I could do it again. But – the forecast for bullshit in the near future seems likely. Not my own… I’ve been screening phone calls tonight.

Let me ask ya… do dudes really cause relationship issues before holidays so they don’t have to buy gifts or is it just the morons that come my way??   (Hears the resounding unified answer through the channels of the internet and from my secret FBI & CIA agent monitoring my every move…)

I figured. 😒

Here’s one for the road…

A bonus track:  Petty – Cameron J

Ummm…. be good humans.

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Off the deep end I go…

Off the deep end, I stepped into a world of bright lights and hurt. Blind to so much, even things like my own worth. It’s always the not knowing that’s the worst, reality seems to pierce our personal bubbles until they burst. It’s meant to make us stronger I guess, but first…

There’s always the pain… and what it offers as self sacrificing gain. The things that break the thickness of our skin, even when we think we’re desensitized and have the script all memorized, we discover our shells are still thin. Damn those needles and pins…

Leaving roadmaps etched in promise and pain – searching for meaning where there isn’t any, it’s intellect that we often feign. Setting a claim to all that was stolen away and never brought back, because like Job, it’s the weakened faith that I lack…

Yet my resolve seems to slip through these cracks. Fighting with monsters, devils, and demons leaving their bodies in heaps and stacks…my makeshift stair way to Heaven built on the backs of all who would see my demise, but you’ll never see me pained with your eyes….

And when you do, it will already be too late. Since you left your life not to purpose but left it up to fate. What they allow will be what takes you under and away, while I dance in a circle with the things that scare me… with my fears I play…

So that I might know what the other side feels while wading in a pool of my own regret.  I’ve not gone off the deep end just yet. I’ve been trying not to dive head first into the trauma that is sure to be my undertow, but I realize that if these things don’t water me, I’ll never grow…

Up and into what I was made for in the beginning, seeing myself flourish beyond my wildest dreams and for once, winning. Making my life work for me instead of working to find myself driven to extremes. It’s just life…what awaits us is worth more than what it seems.

Consequences / Goals and More…

Darkness has a rhythm, it’s low and bold bass

and seductive sax

it’s deep and throaty hums that build

to a climax.

Night is sultry and negates the light 

of the facts

losing our grip on what would normally

keep us in tact.

Truth lingers around every corner waiting 

for its moment in the sun.

Ready to shout loud and free at the sins 

the dark committed when night is done.

The dance of tongue and lips as they craft the false

prophecies of the next day.

Seem to slip deeper beneath our skin in a rash that

won’t go away.

Eyes flutter open to see what the mind wrought

and what the body has done.

No more dark night to shield us from the

consequences yet to come.

No more drinking of the poison

we soaked our minds in.

No more distorting the truth

and making lies our closest friend.

No more dousing the light to 

hide in shadow and shade.

This is where we’ll lie, because

this is where our bed was made.

Daylight strikes our eyes and floods them with pain – 

and tears fall like a torrent of evening summer rain.

 It’s a chain reaction that sets us down this particular

less traveled path. 

Where we’re forced to sum it up to experiences

we never had, we were never any good at math.

Something in the prophecy rang true – 

while the light exposes your desires – 

the dark seeks to lose you.

~~~~

Laughter today, has given me a set of abs that I didn’t have before. I can feel them, I know they are there hiding behind all the biscuit dough I call a stomach just aching to get out and noticed. I’m glad I have friends that are goofballs like I am. I don’t know what I would do without them. Life gets so serious and it just wreaks havoc on my mental. So glad for the downtime I have with them. It was one of the things I unofficially resolved to do this year… to be myself unapologetically. I tend to be this guarded and overly careful person around people. I censor myself quite a bit and that shouldn’t be. Not with people you call your friends, so I’m working on that.

As it happens, I am and will be making some lifestyle choices regarding mental health and physical health. 

I met with a nutritionist and dietitian today via Zoom and we discussed some methods that actually work regarding weight loss and healthy habits. Which is cool, because most of this stuff I already knew – just hadn’t been doing. I have set some reasonable attainable goals for myself and will be working on them, starting today.

-waking earlier in the day for movement and exercise

-cutting down on soda

-some meal prep (don’t know if this’ll work but I’ll give it a chance)

-managing my stress and discussion about the meds I’m on that may be contributing to weight gain

-and the sweet tooth needs help (I am a cake and candy person so I need to change this or at least cu back)

I already have a high water intake so I’m good there. I can do this. I have stopped smoking successfully which was no east feat and have limited my alcohol in take significantly over the last 5 years. I feel like I can do this. My next appointment is in May so between now and then I have 15 pounds to lose. I’ll start little by little. I’m not even gonna dip off into negativity which will just undo everything. I can do this.

I also need to to stop staying up till 3 and 4 in the morning, it’s killing me when I have to get up. I always put myself back to sleep because of how tired I am.  So I have some changes to make. 

Mental health-wise, I’m going to get back into journaling and letter writing. I used to write letters to God and for whatever reason, I stopped. I want to get back to that. Writing in a journal and to him helped me release so much of my stress. It felt good saying what I needed to say in those two ways. The letter writing to God was essentially prayer, just us talking to each other and me gaining understanding about what he wants from me and what I need from him and also, strengthening my relationship with him. 

My emotional well being hinges on my mental health. A bad day is a bad day… but if I can find ways to deal with those days and pull on everything I’ve learned in therapy then I’ll be alright. 

Feeling Wheels aside… there are days that I am unable to pinpoint how I’m feeling – it’s always between two extremes…which I guess isn’t bad but not being able to put to words how I’m doing is annoying sometimes.

feeling wheel

Like, I’m happy today but a few days ago… I think looking back at it now, I was experiencing melancholy. The whole day was off and I was kicking myself over the things I was thinking and the memories that just kinda washed over me… I was overthinking very simple things. It was a hard day. And I hate days like that because they don’t just go away, I really have to work at it. 

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Thank God for art

It really has proven to be a great outlet for me and my family as well. I asked them what they thought about our excursions into the art world and the things they had to say made me so happy. They were glad to do it, it relaxed them, and it helped them focus and tap into their creativity. 

I highly suggest anyone who might be reading, try out some form of art for the sake of relaxation.  I want to try different things, not just painting and drawing but get back into crafting and sculpting. It’s all therapeutic. It really is. It seems like the messier it is, the better I feel. And the act of cleaning up is just like washing all the stress away, setting order to your life if you need it, or adding a bit of random chaos to liven things up.

Nothing is perfect and I think art is the perfect embodiment of that. My best friend and I have watch parties in the evening with stuff that we like watching and seeing. Lately we’ve been watching The Joy of Painting With Bob Ross on his own channel (518) on PlutoTV. It’s a free app with OnDemand and Live TV options, everything from shows to movies to documentaries…anything tv has, PlutoTV has and did I mention… it’s FREE!

PlutoTV1
https://pluto.tv/welcome

This blog isn’t being sponsored by PlutoTV or anything but I’m just letting you know, it’s a pretty awesome alternative to satellite and cable AND they are constantly adding more channels. I guarantee you, you’ll find something you like watching. But back to what I was saying… we’ve been watching Bob paint on there the last few nights and our commentary during the show is hilarious. We saw Bob’s evolution from when he was slightly younger to a much more seasoned Bob… but let me tell you, young Bob had swagger and that’s all I got to say about that. LOL

So Bob said something regarding painting and art in general. He said not to fear messing up – it happens and to prove his point that episode, he started over… didn’t throw it away just painted over everything he began painting. He called it a happy accident that he messed up and was able to redo the painting the way he wanted to do it. So we saw that Bob either is a perfectionist or just doesn’t give a damn 😂. I mean, it’s his show, if he wants to start over, dammit he’s gonna start over. And that’s that.

But it was cool, I learned a lot watching him which led me to painting the above last Sunday. Now, Bob works in oils and I work in acrylics but I was still able to use some of his methods, it was just a little harder because the pain dries so frikkin fast. So I discovered that I could get and use slow-dry medium for acrylics to do what I want to do with the paintings. Sooo I’m gonna give that a try a little later. This Sunday is all about Super Bowl and we’re supposed to be making themed artwork with that in mind. I have no idea what to do. I kinda wanna do something with the football field but have no ideas just yet… 

I guess I need to actually sit still and do that. 

And with that… I shall take my leave. 

I’m thinking of making a logo for myself using this design…or do I really need to??

new bloggish logo5

I think I like this better than anything I can put together. What say ye? I’m willing to take suggestions. Also, I’m trying to find a new layout for the blog. Nothing yet in that regard but I want it to look nice. We’ll see what I can come up with.

Until later loves,

Be good humans!❤ 

Levels of Peace /Smoking happy little trees or whatever Bob Ross said…

My peace is not up for discussion,

nor is it a bargaining chip for devils.

To understand this, you need to know me,

and that to this – there will always be levels.

Level 1: Boundaries are a necessity and a way of life – and I drew my line in the sand a long time ago to rid myself of pain and strife. Respectable distances make us friends, you and me. Neglectable instances can drive a wedge between us, can’t you see? I’m only trying to show you the right way to avoid the wrong things, peace is to be held on to as a treasure for what it brings.

Level 2: Time is of the essence and the basis of any engagement in human lives. But one wrong quip of the tongue can cut short the communication and its ties as if it were made with knives. Time is also to be cherished, for one spends this precious commodity with those they care. It isn’t a trivial thing that we seem to dish out like pamphlets on sidewalks, it’s a stock we share.

Level 3: Loving yourself is managing the things that cause you joy and peace. Become entangled with it and your smile will never cease. Moments caught up in the space you create to live out the love of  your life and enjoy the feeling – shouldn’t be the top of your existence but they should break through the heights of that glass ceiling. 

My peace glows like the sun and is a a thing of beauty,

there is nothing lovelier than it’s healing rays.

My peace sits deep within me in the most trying times,

there I find it beneath an emotional tide on the hardest days.

Like waves rushing over the shore of my mind,

I am refreshed,

they bring me treasures that are left behind,

and there I am at my best.

~~~~~~

I never quite know how to end poems that have some length to them. I just have to shut my brain off creative mode so that it ends. It’s weird but if I didn’t, I’d go on forever.  The above poem is a thing I tasked myself with doing after having a nice lengthy conversation with my counselor today. It was an awesome conversation in which we discussed boundaries and the guarding of my peace. It gets hard sometimes. Really hard, especially with people who are strong personalities. I don’t know if they don’t realize what they are doing or that they do and don’t care.

But I needed a word today and I got that. He’s new to me and I to him. We got off on the right foot and our first impressions of each other were pretty great. I think that’s awesome. I mentioned before that the place I receive mental health services from has a high turnover rate with it’s counselors. Sometimes they move to better positions within the company and sometimes they just leave altogether in search of a place where they are a better fit. It happens… a lot. But I feel like my new counselor will be easy to work with.

One of the things that was kinda funny and awesome is that he let me know right away that he has boundaries but would like to know the things that he really needs to know. He won’t pry but does want me to feel comfortable enough to discuss matters or issues pertaining to my mental health as they arise. Cool. I like that. It gets a lil tiring having to go into detail with each new counselor about my life, ya know? So I stopped doing it. And I won’t unless I’m invited into that discussion. I don’t think it would be fair to him if I just… unloaded my history onto him like that. Nobody really wants another person’s baggage unless it’s their profession. And while it is his profession, I just figure I’ll tread lightly on that.

Not trying to scare the young man off or drive him to drinking or anything. Lol

But yeah, it’s been a day of conversations and taking care of business (<– I hate that this is the spelling for this word, just looks wrong). Ahem, BIDNESS (<– I like this better) has been taken care of.

I told you guys I would let you see the artwork and stuff I’ve been working on so I will do that. 

First up, my very first painting after oh… 20 sumn’odd years.

I drew her and painted her…but she looks like I asked to borrow some money, like the attitude that comes off this canvas is something else. Ms. Mamas did NOT appreciate my bringing her into the world so late at night but you know what they say (on the innernetz anyway), “3 AM is the hour of writers, painters, poets, musicians, silence seekers, overthinkers and creative people. We know who you are. We can see your light on. Keep on keeping on.”

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The second painting I worked on was of a snowy landscape, I wanted to make mountains in the background but didn’t figure out how to do that until after the fact. Yes, I watched Bob Ross for a few techniques.

 

Fan brushes are awesome tools. I used two brushes for this painting. A small painter’s brush (like the kind you’d use in house painting) for the background and a small fan brush for the scenery and moon. Which, makes me think Picasso’s famous Starry Nights might have used a similar technique…did I stumble upon something?! 😮😮

The background was meant to look more like a galaxy but my colors were to dark and drowned out the lighter values. I think it looks cool though. I mean, it’s my art, I have to like it, LOL

So I got my family in on the act…. and every Sunday we have Zoom Paint and Sip Parties.. where we all grab our materials and beverage of choice then paint while we talk to each other on Zoom and at the end we post our artwork to the family chat if we don’t finish in time.  Zoom is a little wishy washy with the time thing. In one of the sessions we were able to have an extended time and with other sessions they just gave us the 40 min time allotment and I would just have to start another meeting. We have close to 10 people in our sessions so I don’t see why we can’t get more time. But whatevs… 

Third painting – I saw my inspiration piece on Pinterest and then drew it as best I could into my sketchbook then traced from the sketchbook to the canvas. It was the easiest way I could think to do it without having to do it all over again. You can kinda see my mom’s painting behind mine.  20210118_204949

Then.. because all girls are Queens that need reminding of the need to straighten their crowns… and the power in their walk, we have this…which came from a pain and sip board on Pinterest and again, I just drew it in my sketchbook then transferred it to the canvas. With this painting, I may still tweak the crown so that it doesn’t blend into the background…I like the gold that it’s outlined in. Kind of  thinking about using silver since the gems have a silver backing. Decisions, decisions.

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Last but not least…. 

A sketch of something I’m working on. I also found this as an inspiration piece on Pinterest. And I loved it enough to torture myself by drawing it for myself. It comes from a book cover. 

20210128_200636 I fell in love instantly when I saw this image and wanted to do something of my own with it. When I found it on Pinterest there was a quote attached to it. The person who said it was unnamed but I think it not only speaks to the game of Chess but also to life..

“When the game is over, the king and pawn go into the same box.”

We’re all pawns in the game until we make a power move that promotes to something bigger. In the game, pawns are the only piece that can become something else.

Remember that. 

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Looking at the image… I hadn’t even noticed the other pieces sitting in the fog in the background until now. 

My vision for what I want to do with the drawing is coming together and I’ll be sure to post the finished product here. I only hope I can do it some justice.

Also, there’s a dream I need to sketch or at least write down… it was so vivid. I still remember it, there was an actor who’s in a little hot water right now in it, then me and my sister, and JESUS! Yes, I dreamt of – (for maybe the fifth time in my life that I can remember) – Jesus. It was awesome and there was an alignment of all the planets too. I saw it all and man… I thought it was real. I woke up disappointed to find that I had been sleeping. Lol

That picture of the chess piece is gonna take some time to work with. I don’t want it to feel like work. I want it to feel just as relaxing as it has been. The painting and drawing have been excellent for the management of my anxiety. It’s damn near non-existent when my mind is preoccupied with other things. And I love that. Also, there has been a lot of poetry writing. I’m in shock myself. I thought the poetry decided to take a vacation but I latched onto one line of text from something I read and the words just came and came… then other words in different poems formed and I’ve been enjoying productivity. Long poems too…

This is all fine and good, but I got a novel that needs my attention, like now! But every time I think about it… I get soooo overwhelmed and I hate that. I just want to get it done and not treat like a burden. It’s not a burden, it’s my baby that has some issues that need to be addressed. and I want to address them, get them resolved and move on to the next phase of novel writing which is… getting it into book form. I need a plan and then I need to stick to that plan.

I had a friend tell me that as far as publishing goes, 2021 was going to be my year, Lol. I believe him… It can be my year of YES if I get my shit together. There’s no reason why that can’t happen. I just need to go step by step. Instead of seeing the big picture right now. The big picture gives me anxiety and it makes me want to leave it where it is but I can’t do that.

Wicked Games needs a shelf to be on, even if it’s just mine. I want to breathe life into her, she deserves that much. One thing at a time… she’s (the book) the priority. We’ll worry about formatting and covers later, right now – revisions.

So… off I go to make these things happen. I hope everyone is having a good night and that you all had a great day. Friday is just a sleep away. I know that means all the difference for some people… the weekend has saved lives, mine included. We all need those days to refresh, rest, and recuperate.

I feel good today and I hope you all feel the same.

Be good humans! ❤

Lips transparent

Poem: Retail Therapy

She’d said something to the affect of…

suicide being for the rich

and struggling is for the poor

and those in between

are never satisfied

and always want more…

Either way, we’ve some how or other

invested deeply into hope

Only to find ourselves at the end of our rope.

But where is the MORE you’re

supposed to want?

When there are ghosts

of dollar bills past in

your wallet that haunt.

Through receipts,

those long sheets

with our issues

logged one by one –

staring down a

point of sale scanner

like a loaded gun.

And each time it

takes a price

we pay the cost

it’s not just our

money gone –

but our souls

are lost.

Our transactions become our transgressions,

Our sins are many, but we’ve yet to learn the lessons.

The more we spend, the less we earn

our money runs thin and we have yet to learn

that with money we weren’t meant to cling

we charge on, thinking it will bring

some peace to a stressed mind

as our pockets wear thin

we run out of time.

Aren’t these a few of the 7 sins?

Gluttony and Greed,

the more our elbow bends

the more we pay and feed

the meter

the waiter

the collection plate at the Church of Macy’s

and attention to our haters.

We don’t seem to pay our respects

or bless people with our time

instead we’d rather charge

them for the space they share

charge them for the way the care

and pinch the penny in the hopes

it becomes a dime.

Who are we to believe that we have

the right to charge the penniless

for our time?

Whose lives are made better

by shopping and spending?

Losing our minds on Black Friday

like the world is ending.

We’re less and less of what God made –

and we forget, we were cut from different

cloths and modeled from specific clay.

Inexpensive materials that

hold so much worth,

yet we degrade and debase ourselves

until it hurts.

Precious and priceless

is what I’ll be

and I won’t cost a

thing because

I was made free.