Fragile / I bless the rains down in…

Skin paper thin, trying my best to fit in – to a world that no more wants me than I want it – tried on my own, now I’m all alone – yet I’m forced to be here so I sit. Making the best of a bad situation ain’t my strong suit – and yet while I try to stay afloat on this ocean – people take aim at my floating raft and shoot.

I can’t swim.

Going with the flow is not an option – because only the dead follow the current at sea – so I flail and kick and scream- going against this stream of consciousness – where will it lead? Hopefully to the mouth of the river where I can rest and finally breathe.

Salt water isn’t good for the body but it will cure it of its ills…so I take it down in large gulps like that of a bitter pill. Wash it all down, wash it all away – give me the sweetness of this tonic so I can be healed this day. And have life return to this weak body, I pray.

Honey sweet, the taste lingers on my lips and the pain flows from my fingertips – away from a mind that is fatigued and weary – no wonder they say there’s no rest for the wicked when seeing the truth makes your vision blurry.

Taken back to a notion where all is right with the world – all I desire…..all I need….is the life promised me, a life that is to another, purled. Simple stitches for simple fixes and we’re all drawn together here in the end….but what good is the knowing, of how we are going if we don’t even have friends?

Tethered together, strong forever – how we’ll walk into the sun, a life without knowing – how we’re all going, but, we won’t stop until the day is done. Fragile as we go, falling to pieces and ash – blowing as snow …taken to the furthest reaches of existence here – though we are tender to the touch, deprived of so very much – we will have no fear.

~~~~~~~~~~~

….Africaaaa….only I don’t live there.

It is overcast and rainy here in my corner of the midwest and dare I say it fits my mood today. The day started off rather rough – bad dreams and late wakings…when there is no sun there isn’t much motivation to climb out of bed. Some days it’s like that. *shrugs*

I must pass on my apologies about not updating my blog. It’s been a hectic few weeks and it isn’t over yet. The event I’m working hard on will be held on the 12th. I am both parts nervous and excited. The planning for this thing has been nothing short of detailed, stressful, and even fun when we are in light spirits. But that isn’t all that’s kept me away.

I’m currently trying to find the right way to breach the next subject…My brain is a wreck this afternoon and I’ve had two doses of anxiety meds to calm me. Like I said, the day is being rather heavy handed with me.

I’ve mentioned here that my son is going through some things. It has become very clear that he has some mental health issues and it has been both saddening and nerve -wrecking (Grammarly says to use “wracking” but my nerves are wrecked so…) trying to get him to seek professional help. While he acknowledges that he is not well, he is also very resistant to getting the help he needs. He has a fear that he will be hospitalized and anything I say to calm him just kind of bounces off him..or so I think.

We had a conversation a couple of nights ago and I could see just how close he is to a nervous breakdown. He’s handling so much all at once and is convinced in his mind that his family and friends have turned their backs on him. While I try to tell him that we are not perfect people but we do love him and want him well, he’s looking at our actions and rightfully so. What he’s seeing is – I think – is that some don’t know how to respond to or handle him right now and he’s taking that as them turning away from him. Friends have backed away unsure of what to do or how to help.  I know the feeling all too well.

So in my trying to explain that it’s not quite what he thinks, he is adamant that it is what he thinks. I had a truthful conversation with him about it – about how depression makes things look different than they are. How he just stopped living and taking care of the things that he needed to do. How it’s causing him to push away those that are trying desperately to help him.

We were outside when he began yelling with tears in his eyes – “They want to help now! Where were they before?” I took it. I was more shocked and concerned than hurt. He’s nearing something hard to get through. When I tried to tell him that we’ve been trying to help him as best we can all along, he didn’t believe me.

I think, there’s a thing that happens to parents and caregivers when they see their loved one going through something. Sure it’s heartbreaking – but it’s almost like….we want to take that pain for them and we can’t. Part of me feels like I did this to him. Some kind of way my own mental illness bled off onto him. I know that’s not true but it doesn’t stop it from feeling like it.

I’ve been asking myself could I have done something to contribute to this…and I’m not coming up empty. That’s the shocker. I’m finding a lot of fault in myself…and I know this isn’t even about me…but when I reevaluate things I see where I could have done more for him. Some of those moments were when I was in the depths of my own depression. I wondered then what kind of effect it would have on them…could they feel me being pulled away from them? Could they see it or sense it? I think now, the answer is yes.

I keep talking to him now….to the point of pestering. I ask him what are you doing, are you at work, have you eaten, did you sleep…

He barely answers. I tell him that I love him and understand the pain. Some of it, I do. My 40-year-old mind is trying to connect with a 22 year old one. Trying hard to know and remember and understand what fresh pain feels like when you are so young. The heartache of a break-up, losing a part of your life you’ve built for yourself…hitting a bit of rock bottom. I know what rock bottom feels like but I was older… this is a hard blow for him.

I tried to impress on him that he at 22 years old, was doing much better than I was when I was his age. He accomplished so much at a young age but …due to life and the things coming his way he was just unable to maintain it all. It’s a lot of responsibility to have when you are that young. When I was his age, I was struggling to take care of a baby, him. But I did what I needed to do….and I tried my hardest to raise him up right.

He has questions but none of those questions are for me. They are for the young lady that broke his heart. But I think he feels like I should be able to answer for her and I can’t. As much as I want to speak for her, I can’t.

He seems to have taken up living again, even if it’s temporary, to make sure he’ll be alright with his living conditions. I couldn’t do it for him, it’s something he had to do for himself and I’m glad he has this moment of clarity.

About a month ago, I took the challenge to pray for someone for every day for 31 days and watch how their lives improve. I chose him. I see some improvement happening in other ways. He’s no longer ignoring the fact that something is wrong – he has acknowledged it. He is taking the steps to make sure he still has a job to check into every day and he’s talking more about what’s going on with him to me. I’ll take it. I believe that blessings aren’t just physical and material things – sometimes, they are more than that. Sometimes they are the things that sit at the core of a person working from the inside out. Real change.

Pupper is getting big and goofy. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a goofy pitbull or one so full of sass and personality. I see that when he can’t follow his owner/best buddy around he gets terribly upset and is VERY nosey. You can make the slightest sound and he has to go check it out. If Tj leaves the room for just a few seconds he whines if he isn’t allowed to follow. Not being able to sit on the couch is a bummer as well for him – apparently, Paw was living the good life on the couch with TJ. He’s so spoiled and he talks back. And the fits the silly thing throws. Whenever he hears “No” he flops down on the floor on his side and grumbles. He’s just too much.

I told him I’d buy him treats and one of those rawhide bones to chew on. I got a head tilt. When I asked him if he still liked belly rubs, he flopped down on the floor and offered up his gut. Like – “I ain’t gonna tell you no, lady.”

Talking about him makes me smile. He knows that he is the center of everyone’s attention and milks it. I don’t have a picture this time but I will have one next time to show everyone how big he’s getting.

Considering the way Paw reacts to TJ when he’s down, I wondered if it would be a good idea to see about making him a therapy dog. Paw’s concern for TJ – the whining when he’s not around him and the way he reacts to him might be something we can use to help TJ. I’ll ask him about it….he’ll need a lot of training and some registering but I feel that this could be an awesome opportunity for them both…

He is trainable. I got him to give me a high five the other day. It was so awesome. I wish that someone had thought to take a picture of the moment. Ah well….there will be others. Right now the focus is on the boy. I need him to smile at least once a week. To find something worth using all the muscles in his face for. I have some ideas, we’ll see if they work. Hell….I’ll even take snark and sarcasm at this point. Something to show me that he’s being light-hearted.

I feel better having come to write here today. I really don’t intend for this blog to be a dumping ground for my emotions and bad days but writing is my therapy and release. And this is real life.

I aim to make this blog about more than just my life. So far that’s all I have to offer except a few things here and there that make it bloggy or Bloggish (hence the name). I thank you all for reading and for sitting with me and my words. If you have prayed for me, I thank you doubly! If you have held a thought for me in a positive direction, burned sage or lit a candle – I also thank you!  And know that – even though I don’t know many of you…I think of you…

….You know the little list it gives to let you know that people have stopped by to read your blog? I pray for those that do and even the ones that don’t or will happen across this thing. I do. Prayer is like giving someone an expensive gift – one made to give you life. And by that I mean – give you the best that life has to offer…a gift.

I can do that and have done that and will continue to do that. Love is universal, what we do with it and how we wield it – says so much about us. Can never go wrong giving love to those who want it, need it, or just because. Consider my prayer as flowers and the words behind them water and light giving them life.

I blog not only to help myself make sense of this world and the people in it – but to share some real things with real people. The sun may shine high in the sky some days or like today may be hidden behind the clouds and rain – can you live anyway? I’ve learned that I can. I have yet to lose myself in the rain and dance for real. I have done a two-step on a covered porch to the rhythm of rainfall but not a full on real rain dance. As soon as I get over ruining my hair I will do it. It’s going to take awhile. Maybe on a day that I need to visit the salon?? Then I don’t have to worry – they’ll make it better.

Now…I ain’t no diety…not God or even a goddess but – I can still bestow blessings on those who wander over. So for you who have come to read…

-Blessed are you to have a heart full of understanding, compassion, wisdom, and truth. Blessed is the life you live and all the things waiting for you. Blessed are all the lives you have touched simply because you have breath in your lungs this day and Blessed are the ears that hear what you have to say. May the sun shine ever on your face. May the light that shines on you, light your way in the darkest place – and give way to fearless new beginnings that lead the way to epic and extraordinary endings.

Be of courage. You are not forgotten, you are not lost, you are loved, and you are blessed.

Be good humans to one another.