No poem today with this post…my space has been invaded by my daughter so this will likely be a short and sweet update for the day.
Last night, while trying to sleep, I kept thinking about what to blog about today. Then I found myself repeating over and over … “don’t plan the post”…silly right? How can people blog without some type of direction? A sentence, a word, thought, or idea should be present to build around that, right?
I always want to do something organic writing where it just comes to me and sit down and put it on paper…rather plan it out, but I think that’s just a fancy term for pantsing. Which I do and am quite fond of doing…sometimes, however, I have to plan. I just have to or everything will be disjointed, all over the place, and not very cohesive. That’s pretty much how it is if I don’t have some sort of structure going on.
So last night I was thinking overthinking actually and trying to come up with at least a theme for today’s post because I feel like my posts are utter nonsense at times. My Inner Critic tells me this and that’s when I start to overthink things…get all inside my head about what I do, how I do it, and why I do it. It’s all very tiring – and with as much fatigue as this causes me, I should be sleeping better but I don’t.
Nights of tossing and turning over the things I want to say or have said or need to say. In this sentence need and want are two totally different things, as they truly are in life. Necessity tells me that my blog should be informing, clear, and precise. Desire says to keep it entertaining and light. Somehow, though, the middle ground seems to be nonsense to me.
I make it a bit of both..cause that’s what I do and that’s why I second guess myself at every turn with the things I write and display here. I recognize a need to shed fear and live my life free the things that would constrict and hold me back. I’m a flood gate ready to burst open and flood with all things writing related. I wish the floodgates would be as willing to water everything in my life. Then maybe life would prove less traumatic and more interesting.
I’m just thinking though…as always…spending time in the corners of my mind when I should perhaps be at the forefront steering this body free of hazard zones. But what is life without risk? Fear of being eaten alive by an invisible force is …ridiculous when there are so many real things threatening to undo you is crazy.
My brain makes me believe that my childhood fears are warranted…sleeping with my feet hanging over the bed is begging the boogeyman to eat me. Just like holding in the things I need to say will in some way cause me to implode or become a victim of spontaneous combustion…both are nonsense but one holds some truth…
The monsters. They are everything we don’t say and do…they grow and manifest into problems and issues that will ultimately cost us money, time, or energy. Truly. Defeating monsters and demons is a lucrative business for psychiatrists, mental health organizations, and behavioral health hospitals. While I doubt they pump unhealthy thoughts into our minds and ill behaviors into our bodies – it is being produced all around us in our atmosphere and environment.
The new normal is not being normal. The stigmas are now placed on healthy people with healthy lives and healthy perspectives on life. Then we, the unhealthy, resort to reverse bullying ..making fun of those that we think don’t understand us. Life, man…
Inverted bullying – where you pick on yourself, put yourself down for not being good enough, smart enough, beautiful or desirable in your own eyes…when the truth is we are. I learned about negative self-talk a while back with my counselor. She told me -that the things we fill our heads with are what will become the norm. So if I’m always down on myself…I’m going to keep being that way and wouldn’t you know….I am that way. Only I learned to hear that voice and call it what it was, Inner Critic.
Inner Critic gets a lot of my attention especially when it comes to writing. I have called myself a hack, stupid, downright ignorant, and a failure because I don’t think I’m delivering quality work, so I work that much harder to make sure Inner Critic has nothing say or no ammunition to come at me with but ….she always has something mean spirited or messed up to point out.
She’s speaking loud and clear as I write this. You guys know those dialogues I have with Me and Self? She hates it and thinks we’re doing damage to our image.
I’m laughing because I had to ask myself – What image?!
I know some of what people think..some of it’s bad and some of it’s worse….so says my Inner Critic. But Ty has seen and heard glowing praises and encouragement, yet Inner Critic grasps and holds on to the negative. I’m learning to quiet my Inner Critic when it is not needed. Sometimes she is needed though, sometimes she keeps me on my toes and makes sure that I am educated in the things I need to know. The enemy of ignorance is knowledge.
You know, when I make toast she speaks to criticize me for not using the toaster lol Just ridiculous things like that. So I combat much of that with positive thoughts, which leads to positive emotions and eventually to positive interaction.
It’s good to have direction in life – but I love spontaneous things. I love surprises and mysteries…well, good solvable mysteries anyway. Lol
Life is anything but a breeze. It’s a strong gust of wind that will offset your wig and kick over the table you’ve been invited to eat at. Sooooo tie that sucker down and put weights on the table. Have your meal, your cake, and eat it too all while looking fabulous.
I gotta go. I wear many hats. And tonight the hat I must wear is that of hairdresser for my daughter. It’s time to make her pretty. I bid you all a good night and much love from my center of the world, I’d call it corner but …you know..it’s the Midwest.
Be good humans ❤…if I find out you’re being otherwise, I’m gonna take to writing you personal letters over the internet using this blog. I’ll do it. *points at eyes, then points at you*
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