I wanna say it every day to various people. The people I actually care about and a few I don’t know so well because I consider them my people…but there’s the fear of rejection or being looked at weird or strange or being pushed away when from some of these people, I am already on the outskirts of their lives looking at them from such a far away distance that I just appear to be a dot on the landscape to them…I might as well be a tree or a bush that is out of focus with no real shape to the human eye.
When did I become so chicken-hearted?
It seems the older I got the more fearful I became and that’s not what was supposed to happen. I was supposed to be this force, this …movement… anything but this. Sixteen year old me would kick my ass at the way I behave and my inability to voice my desires or push through with the plans I’ve made. Twenty-five year old me would simply wash her hands of me…but not before dropping a few choice words. With all that she went through..she’d feel it was all for nothing. They would both jump me on the street, drag me into a dark alley, and leave me a bloodied and broken mess.
I have failed those two… and today the knowledge of that sinks in deep as I hide myself away beneath the covers and behind this screen… what happened to me?
I can change this. I can…do something. I can…say something and mean something. I can be something other than I am if for just a few moments…
**sigh**
I took a stretch and felt my backbone straighten…like I was given an imaginary push to do the thing on my heart that scares me to death…a silent “You can do this” was just whispered over me and I waver in believing those words…not the one who said it.
**deep breath and exhale**
Here we go…
I love you and live for you…how do I show you what I mean when I can’t be in your space? I love you and live for you, it’s something I want to scream from every high place…
your smiles, your charms, the way you pull YOU off so well, it makes me wonder why on my bad days – when I have the knowledge of you…that I condemn myself to hell….when heaven shines on you like the sun on the dew of new grass…it is our spring of renewal and of a new beginning that I hope will last.
I’m overwhelmed and taken in by the sheer essence of your beauty and grace, but that beauty isn’t just of the soul, it reflects from your depths to your face. If I were any other kind of being I’m sure I’d sing a song of your praises, loud and free…but for now I am just a human and you’ll just have to take this I Love You …from me.
I love you…for the words you write, you speak, and you live by. Thank you all for being pinpoints of light in these dark times, sources of inspiration, and joys to read and know.
Robert Alvarez * Greg Manuel * Patee Pi * Kerry Waight * Brandon Anderson * Lynn Moss * Cayce Berryman * Crystal Burton * Hiram Masforroll * Colin Palmer * Kyle Crawford * Sarah Barnes * Henry Lee * Frances Doyle * Karen Pollack * Cari Jehlik * Katie Jordan * Ekta R Garg
Honorable mentions:
Kent Wayne * Fractured Faith Blog * David Repath * The Godly Chic Diaries * cfoster20 * Micah B Alcindor * And to the new followers whose art I’ve seen or words I’ve read….you are also included. Thank you and I love you too! 😘
You all make me smile and give me things to think about every day and make these hard times worth fighting through. Thank You!
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