Can I vent real quick this evening? Please???
Thank you.
SO…it is known far and wide that your friend Ty (me) has possibly the worst sweet tooth known to womankind. Like, it’s insane when it happens. Anything from candy to cake is what I am immediately attracted to. If you’re made out of cake… you’re in trouble. Just saying. It’s rather ridiculous and I’ll be the first admit so. I have done things for the sweets… horribly terrible things… but that’s… neither here nor there.. (actually it’s pinpoint accuracy on THERE).
Follow me man…
Look, my grocery store, at the beginning of summer got a nice shipment of some awesome crack… (that’s what we’re going to call it now and forever just because I feel like it is) and I am feenin’ right now. We have a grocery store chain here in Missouri called Schnucks. In and around the area I live in there are four of these bastards and not one of them has the crack they hooked me on.
I’m sorry… the language is going to be quite foul, forgive me, but I am going through something right now. Ya’ll don’t understand. I have been patient, kind, ummm… (what other word can I use to not sound like a total mess) docile about this whole thing but enough’s enough yo…
Let me help ya’ll understand the situation. Beginning of summer I’m shopping my local Schnucks for groceries because my family started licking their chops at me… the thick one… because we were close to being out of food. Fine, I go shopping to get the food to feed the family so that they don’t turn all cannibal and eat my ass.
I’m in this damn store and front and center, right as you walk in, is a display of the crack. Nice and colorful, has a carnival flair to it with a Ferris wheel and everything. And my brain said – hey, you’ve had some of that years ago, let’s see if we can get some. I look at the display and I read all of the options… mango chili, NOPE, Coconut Lime, FUUUUUCK No… Tart N Tangy…. my pallet said… we know tart and tangy. What are the flavors of these things… Charged Cherry, Raging Raspberry, Atomic Apple, Berry Blitz, and Lemon Launcher.. awesome. Picked up a bag of the crack and went home. Eight bags and two months later… I’m siting here complaining about the price of the crack and its availability.
The Schuncks grocery stores, now, only have the gourmet and the carnival taffy which is okay but its no Tart n Tangy taffy.
So what do I do?? I decide to cut out the middle man. So long Schnucks you evil sumssabiches, I’m gonna go to your supplier and get it! http://www.sweetcandy.com I remembered back in May wanting to get more bags when the rest of the world caught on to the grocery store’s best kept secret. And I was halted in my tracks. Back in May I got a bag for $2.75. Yesterday while in the store, the cost of that taffy went up to $3.50. From $2.75 to 3 fuckin 50! Inflation is a motherfucker. The website, back in May, said you could get three bags for $19.99. Stopped me dead in my tracks.. I decided to become a fulltime crackhead and pester my grocery store about the taffy.
“What you see is what we got.”
“Well, do you have some in the back?”
“The back of where ma’am?”
(I pressed on, he was playing coy…he knew what I wanted and what I meant!)
“The storage area. Can you check?”
“That taffy must be pretty good.”
The look I got made me feel a way. I left the other taffy where it was and went off to do the rest of my grocery shopping. Feeling defeated, bummed and I highly pissed. I bought some Now and Laters and Laffy Taffy, just wasn’t the same. So today… after the itch came back… and my hankering for the crack spoke in volumes that only other crackheads could hear… I visited that website again.
I typed Tart n Tangy in the search box and was surprised to see that they still have them… BUT…But…but….It’s 3 lbs of the crack for 19.99 plus shipping and they want you to do expedited shipping due to the summer weather because the taffy will melt if left to travel longer.
This shit right here…
Three pounds for twenty damn dollars!
Right now at this very moment, I am talking myself into quitting the taffy. I am also, trying to make it all make sense enough to buy the damn things. I wouldn’t be complaining if it were JUST candy… these damn things are fuckin bomb!
Crack and bliss OR No crack and withdrawl.
Oh it doesn’t stop there. The other crack dealer you might know as Entenmann’s… brought back something I thought they’d gotten rid of forever, their Fudge Cake! It has been 11 years since I’ve had a fudge cake from Entenmann’s. I know I know, diabetes, teeth, and weight gain…bUt HapPiNesS is A WaRm gUn! Let me die in peace with a smile on my face. Okay look, maybe not but my sweet tooth is ridiculous. I don’t have the betus, I brush and floss, I don’t smoke anymore, I drink plenty of water, and eat lots of fruit… and AND, I have a great relationship with my nutritionist. I said all of that to say…. Let me have this!
Taffy and coffee and chocolate and ink pens and paper and markers and paints… AND BOOKS you guys… I have a problem. I really do. But to my defense. I use the paper, pens, paints and read all the books I buy. It could be so much worse! I could be knocking my neighbors’ doors asking for spare change for an actual fix. I don’t do drugs but the way my addiction to cigarettes had me… me bumming cigarettes from strangers, asking to borrow a few dollars for a pack, saving quarters for cigarillos… and my love of actual cigars. You guys have no idea. I am a whole female mobster over here complete with my favorite liquor. Brandy VSOP to be exact.
Oh and I’ve been signed up to a make up subscription service so… I’m also hoarding make up products. Where’s the harm in that? (plenty, I’m running out of storage space.) Anyway… kids, crack kills and I’m dying a slow death of deprivation from taffy. Someone has to know my pain… you have addictions that aren’t life threatening but totally feel like it?? What are they?
Maybe I’ll start a support group on facebook… Stuck on Taffy? T & A ? (taffy and anoms)… Sweet Tooths? Kinda like the T & A I feel like we’d get more people because it’ll be something it’s not. If you have flashed those puppies for beads… you might be my people. lol
Have a good evening
begoodhumansorwhuteva! ❤
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