I’ve been away, holding on to myself to keep from falling apart. But I’ll be okay, I always am. I’m preparing myself mentally for the funeral of my friend. I want to go but I hear there are going to be a lot of people in attendance and that worries me. We are still in a pyromaniac (we call it everything but what it actually is). I honestly don’t know what’s the matter with me today. I’m caught between not feeling up to doing anything and wanting to lighten the mood. *shrugs*
We were so close in age, and he just fell ill all of a sudden. So sudden. Damn. I’m still processing…and there’s this nagging thing happening between me and my brain. You know the things you go through and how we say “Trouble don’t last always”. It doesn’t. Our ability to let shit go has to be pretty strong in order to function through life but today it’s like my brain is saying – Let’s see what else we can be sad about. You know what today is??
Today – August 17th is the day that would have been my 19th wedding anniversary. I became divorced July 11th, 2013 (right on his birthday – I didn’t plan that, he filed so..it was his doing). This day historically is one of some pretty unresolved emotions. Almost 20 years. Wow. Is it me or does anyone else’s brain like to compound issues? I hate it when it does that.
I choose different today. I’m already out of sorts with this funeral – I don’t want to be an emotional wreck due to memories of a time long gone. I just… I would like to move past it but I always kinda wanna remember the good days, ya know?
In the beginning we were a silly couple. We had a world full of differences one of them being a nice little age gap. I tease and say he robbed the cradle and he says I went along willingly. Lol There’s 9 years between us. I didn’t make a big deal about it really. But you know how you joke about the things that give your pause for thought deep down? I did that. I always wondered if he married me to keep his youthful attitude in tact or if he did it to keep from being lonely. Because it was later revealed to me that there was no trust (due to his past relationships) and love was strained. I thought there was love and I trusted but it wasn’t enough. Too much happened and when the mental illness set in, it tested the bonds of our marriage. I wish I could say it was all his fault but the truth is we both failed. I didn’t know what was happening to me and I wasn’t communicating anything at all… I didn’t know how to. And he shut down and started spending less and less time at home with the crazy woman (me).
The grasser is always greener somewhere else… Wanna know why? Because there’s no one there to mess it up and trample all over it. It is effectively left alone for a reason.
Mental illness and marriage… what prepares you for that kind of thing? There’s no course or program to get you through these things. People judged the hell out of us too. There was so much to get through. Older man, younger woman, they didn’t think we were close to God – for surely if we were none of that would have happened according to them. Timing was off and my favorite assumption of them all… I married for money even though I was the only one working at the time. People are funny.
It was a hard thing (the marriage) to live through but we did it and when shit fell to pieces… well… that was all she wrote. There was no coming back from the betrayal, the insults, and then disrespect. No amount of tape, glue, or bubble gum therapies could fix it. And a part of me even thought God wanted us to end because of the issues.
Do I still feel the same way? I feel as though, to save myself it had to end. Whether God had a hand in that, I don’t know.
But yeah… I’ve been thinking about that pretty heavy today.
In other news, so as not to ruin my mood completely…. I am working on the last few chapters for Of Flesh & Blood. The last few are character perspectives. I wrote all of this years ago but felt the need to do some editing to make it read smoother so that’s what I’m doing, so Inanna’s perspective is going up a little later today.
My grandson is coming to visit and I’m kinda excited about that. So I’m gonna go fix my face and get ready for the “pooh bear”. Yes I have named him this. That’s who he reminds me of.
See ya later…
Be good humans! ❤ It’s what we need.
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