Damned if I do, Damned if I don’t
“Ain’t no rest for the wicked,” what a fitting opener but…isn’t that what they all say? Seems to ring true of many…myself included. Who needs a day or weekend to rest when there is so much to do? Folks in this age call it “demon time” and they don’t know how right they are. There is no sleep when there are people to corrupt and a world to burn. Bring your marshmallows kids because it’s going to be the hottest thing going –’’
{{What are you doing?}}
Holy crap… you scared me!
{{Great. Now answer the question.}}
Oh… I was just uhh… umm…monologue-ing. You know – what all evil geniuses do before they go raise hell in some unassuming part of the world or …person.
{{You’re supposed to be telling a story.}}
Yes, I know. But don’t you think people want to know who I am? Don’t you think they’re just a little curious as to the wonderfully wordy and debonair delicious devil that I am?
{{No. You talk too much. And I’m quite sure they’ve figured it out now.}}
Are you sure… I mean, sometimes people just want to be told-
{{I trust my audience. However, I do not trust you as far as I can throw you. Just do what I tell you.}}
*mocks the author* jUsT dO WhAT I tElL yOu. Whatever. I’ll tell your boring story.
{{Fix your attitude and watch your mouth or I can go find a more suitable iteration of you and send you where all the other drafts went.}}
Oh yeah? Where’s that? Crumpled up on your bed? Please… don’t threaten me with a good time. You can’t replace me. I am one of a kind, I am an original baby. *snickers* Send me where the other drafts went…pssht! I’d sure like to know what you mean by that lady.
{{The paper shredder.}}
….you…you wouldn’t… would you?
{{I would. My patience has been tried and there’s a lot to get through so just …get on with it!}}
Yes ma’am. But can’t I just tell it in my own voice? You know, liven it up a little? Give it that special flair that I do so love to give. And while we’re at it, why not let me tell-
{{How about we scrap the whole thing and send you packing. How about we just not finish Inktober at all. How about we just close the laptop and go do what I wanted to do in the first place which is watch 30 Coins and start Shining Vale…}}
Ooo…touchy touchy. I tell ya, who needs a big plump lemon to sour a mood when you have an angsty author who has a deadline looming and the patience of a hungry toddler. Goodness me…
{{Strike 2}}
Look, I’m just letting the people know what they’re in for. You seem to be having a terrible night. Why don’t we just have a drink and possibly a preferred leaf to calm your nerves?
{{You know what… I have clearly underestimated the power of your words. Yes. Yes, why don’t we turn to alcohol and drugs to muddle my brain further, so that I can’t think at all? Yes! People absolutely love reading the ramblings of those under the influence. How edgy and unique …how creative and out of the box you are. *rolls eyes* You have one job… just one and that’s to read the Damn STORY! But noooooo you wanna put on a show and do all of this nonsense and push me further into the abyss of ‘things not done’ Great. What good are you? You’re supposed to at least be convincing. You fail at even that! You goof off and now I’m scrambling for more time. I know little kids who have more conviction and follow directions better than you! This is all stupid and you’re stupid!}}
…
{{Oh… what…. is the big bad boogey’s feelings hurt?}}
…. You’re so mean. L….
{{Whatever. You’re in the way. If you aren’t going to do the one job YOU asked to do, by the way, you can kick rocks, tires, a bucket, or yourself in the arse! Take your pick, I don’t care.}}
*sobbing loudly* I just… and we never… and I …but I just wanted… and you … you hate me! *sobbing uncontrollably*
{{Ugh! *Shaking my head* this can’t be life right now. Are you fucking kidding me?!}}
*blows nose on sleeve* *sobs more* *blows nose on stack of papers*
{{Ewww.}}
I may not be… a writer who has like tens of hundreds of followers or even be as creative as you are… but I have feelings too!
{{Tens of hundreds. Hahaha}}
Are you laughing at me?!
{{Yes. Better to your face than behind your back. Continue… you have feelings?}}
See! You don’t care. You’re the stupid one and AND no one understands your jokes and you’re friends don’t like what you create…because it’s all TRASH! You cold frosty hearted mean OLD lady!
{{Ohhh There we go! Hahahaha! Try again. And I believe we’re the same age.}}
Dammit! You know what, I don’t have to take this! It’s not like we’re chained at the hip! I can move on and be somebody else’s-
{{Problem?? Why you sure could. As a matter of fact, you should try that! Go and umm saddle up all your ill will and yucky feelings and personality and just…. Go.}}
Look …maybe I was a little harsh-
{{No no… no hard feelings! I promise. I am as right as the rains in June. Hahaha… so you can just pack up shop and go on about your business. I’ll be fi— I mean, it’ll be hard but I’ll manage somehow. The agony of being alone… Woe. Is. Me. What ever shall I do?}}
No no, I can stay. I mean. You’re partially right. I do a lot of nonsense and it’s not exactly helping you. I can change.
{{You can, huh?}}
Absolutely! I can be more positive. I can do the tasks given me in a timely fashion. And… and uhhh…
{{Not make everything about you?}}
I don’t do that… everything is… I mean, yeah. Sure. I C..c…
{{Yeah??}}
I can’t do that.
{{*in the most sarcasm I can give two words* I know. *nods*}}
That’s just unnecessary. ….So what do we do?
{{YOU can go on your way and let me get the work that I needed to finish, done.}}
But… I can come back can’t I? I mean… You… forgive me right?
{{What?}}
Forgive me?
{{Huh?}}
FORGIVE ME?
{{Hahahahahah*cough wheeze cough* Hahahahaha}}
What is so funny?
{{I’m sorry, I thought you positively emoted.}}
Well… I did.
{{Lord be my understanding, because this, has thrown me for a loop.}}
What’s so hard to understand about it?
{{What’s happening here?}}
I’m …I’m trying to care. Listen, I know we don’t see eye to eye on some….most things but I am willing to try to care more about you and the things you do. I mean, if I didn’t care would I even be here?
{{Yes! Yes, you would because you’re the bane of my existence and serve only one purpose and that is to drive me up a wall and back down again. Do you not understand your own nature?}}
Look… everyone has their own personal demons they’re fighting with every day – yours just happens to be supportive of your little endeavors.
{{Litt… Get out!}}
No.
{{Now!}}
Nuh-uh. Not until you tell them how helpful I am.
{{Sure. PSA: Listen up peeps. Everyone needs at least one hater and it doesn’t matter who or what it is, just one. One hater to give you drive to complete or even do the things you’ve always wanted to do. Smile in the face of that hater and get shit done.}}
That’s… that’s not what I meant … at all… No, do it over!
{{Nope. Since you have shown yourself incapable of following directions and carrying out the simplest of tasks… I’m gonna need that story back so that I can read it myself. Please and thank you.}}
Oh… umm… about that…
{{What now?}}
Well, when I was having my emotional breakdown. Not only did I blow my nose into the sleeve of your favorite shirt, I also used the pages of your story to wipe it clean. All of them.
{{All of them…}}
Yes. Have you seen the size of my nose?
{{All that work… all gone.}}
Well don’t you have a copy saved-
{{Laptop crashed without the autosave function working properly so it only saved the first line of the story… you wouldn’t happen to know how or why now would you?}}
My dear… “Ain’t no rest for the wicked”
{{Fuck My Life}}
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