I live in a world… / That baby literally told her brother to hold her beer

…Where poverty exists and relief is for those who suffer is very little. This is my vision from where I stand in the middle. I live in a world where the love of things is greater than the love of human life. We fail at this aspect with every generation, try as we might. I live in a world where words mean more than the actions behind them – where we are quick to make excuses for the acts that bind them.

I live in a world where love could conquer all – but we’d rather blame each other for our faults and claim that Jesus dropped the ball. I live in a world where my values and outlook on life is made a mockery, so people laugh. Where freedom seems not to be free, but something that only the rich can afford to have.

I live in a world that shuns anything different from what has become the status quo. Where letting my hair grow in its natural state is a social no-no. I live in a world where my children have seen far too many ugly things that will sit with them the rest of their lives. Where men can’t be the men they need to be – for fear that they will upset or offend their wives.

I live in a world that loves to bring up the hate and make it a shared condition. Where I can no longer rest in peace without a shameful mention. I live in a world where it is wrong to do the things we know are right – were fighting against a system for the betterment of change, is just a one-sided fight. I live in a world where words are many and actions are few – yet we’ve elevated a man above us all – and with him we look like fools.

I live in a world…where my conscience can’t stand the outlook of my life. Where I constantly have to pray in the dark just to have a little bit of light. I live in a world where my walk no longer means a damn thing to those around me, where all this self-importance and large egos surround me. I live in a world that threatens to leave children all alone, that strips them away from their families and the places they call home. Where the almighty dollar is God and we are to worship every cent – where our bills mount up like our transgressions, like our heaping sins.

I live in this world because I was born here but here is the truth. I was not made to fit into this place and neither were you. We were meant to be set apart and not fall in line with the systems of this place. So now that you know this – put a smile on your face. YOU were given life and love and all the things you will ever need. We live in this world…and while it tries to keep us bound, we will forever be free.

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Good evening good people. It has been quite the day. I was screamed at by a one year old. Peed on by said one year old and then not permitted to move when said one year old fell asleep. Honestly, I was too afraid to move – my nerves were a little shot and I might have to have some alcohol later as they are still frayed. I know I know…vice is not the answer but its better than me shaking and trembling at the slightest bit of noise in the house. That little girl had a shrill on her. I have a wine glass next to my bed that I keep pens in on my nightstand. DuDe…I swear to you I heard it crack. Okay well – I’m not supposed to swear by or on anything – even myself and there is no crack in the wine glass but had she gone on just a little longer…it would have shattered.

Someone hire her! She’s a soprano…she can hit those out of reach notes that your faves have a hard time getting close to. I’m just saying – when was the last time Mariah Carey hit that thing?? When she was younger, correct. Voices change over time and because they do – they can no longer do the acrobatics of a trained youth.

I’m not downing anybody’s faves but….I’m just saying – this baby can do it and do it well. She don’t need no hot tea with honey – she don’t need no stinkin voice coach – she don’t even need a microphone- she got this! Who am I kidding – that little girl hurt my feelings. I thought I was good with kids and then here she comes like…God sent me to test you old woman. And I couldn’t do anything about it. Really. I just rocked her, played with her as much as she would allow me to – sang to her which pissed her off royally….because I can’t sang like I used to Lol and then I let her play with my phone which only worked for a little while. When she tried to throw it and the stuff pink doggy on the floor I had to come up with something else real quick. Sooooo….and I pat myself on the back for my brilliance here…( I deserve it and all the nice things in the world for this)…I put on some music and she calmed the hell down. Like immediately! I played one of my favorite songs on repeat for a little bit then she started to whine a little bit so I changed the song…put on some kiddie lullaby crap from Youtube..8 hours worth and in the first 2 minutes we were both like – this is absolute trash…so then I had to think….what calms me when I’m crabby and my teeth hurt? What kind of music soothes me?? As much as I wanted to play some emo rock I had a forethought that it wouldn’t go over well. So I put on some classical music.

Classical music y’all!

Smart right??? I was told after the fact that her mom used to listen to classical music when she was carrying her. I thought -AWESOME, complete with a ninja kick to the air.

Listen….by now we have built up somewhat of a trust based on my ability to be truthful with you all. So I will not lie. As soon as she fell asleep and stopped faking…like she would close her eyes then peek at me through a sliver and grin to make sure I was still miserable…and after giving her, her favorite blanket and stepping out of the room to breathe – I immediately replaced those nice clean breaths of air with nicotine. Look…my nerves man…my nerves.

You know how long its been since I sat with a baby for an extended amount of time? I wasn’t prepared. Her big brother was cool. I gave him a huge dice to play with that he kicked around the house and showed me numbers on. He was set. He played the kitchen floor is lava game…I didn’t know we were playing until he wouldn’t breach the kitchen except to get a slice of bread. Kids..smh

So …the floor was lava and he had bread that he nibbled like a tiny mouse. It was cute. We didn’t have a problem with him unless his sister cried which I suspect – her cries sparked a little anxiety in him. The pitch of those cries…Y’all think I’m playing but goodness…I wish I was.

The floor was lava and then the dice was named something I didn’t understand and he kept pointing out of the window and I said outside and he said “Cletus” and I was like okaaay…Outside has been renamed “Cletus”.  So he apparently wanted go play with Cletus, he said it three times…and then he tried to escape into the great Cletus when I opened the door to go smoke on the porch. It was too hot to be out there in Cletus and if I had half a brain, I wouldn’t gone out there but we made lil dude stay inside so no Cletus for him. He was cool with that for a little while. He didn’t put up a fuss or anything – he just went limp when his grandma pulled him away from the door…like that I have no bones, dead weight thing that kids do when they are protesting something….at least he did it quietly. He grabbed the dice to continue playing with it – I taught him how to shoot craps with one die – the other die is …well, I think its keeping my bookshelf from falling apart. So I dared not move it. I heard the thing creak when I attempted and told the shelf it was right and I was wrong to bother it. So…yeah…*whispers* Between you and me – shelf’s days are numbered…ssshhhh…

So then my son shows up. He was having car trouble today and he needed some cash to get oil to get it going…apparently car thought the oil wasn’t cutting the mustard because it went nowhere. I think -and I could be wrong here but cars …stay with me on this….they sense the amount of money you put into them and when it’s not over a certain dollar amount…they too protest. Therefore, all cars are girls – gold digging girls that get jealous of female passengers! It could be a dude…it could be, but since the car has a big ass…I assume girl. Whatever, shoot me later…we’ll discuss my problematic thoughts on cars at a later date. So When TJ came in CJ – the baby’s big brother…tried to escape to Cletus… again. Tj caught him and he looked at Tj like …what? I’m going with you!

Tj – laughed!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My son laughed and oh my god it was such a good sound considering the issues he was having today. It was the most beautiful sound besides that little girl’s snores I had heard in a while.

So Tj marveled at the kids – he asked me…where the babies come from and I told him they were our cousins babies – her mother was over for a visit and they were with her. But they somehow did that magnet thing where they stick to the fun adult or the nice one or the goofy one or whatever criteria kids use to pick out who they are going to imprint on…I don’t know. But they were sticking to me.

So Tj came in and talked to his grandmother for a little bit before leaving and that’s when Cj grabbed Tj’s shirt and tried to go out into Cletus, almost made it too. Tj caught him again and asked where he was going and like he told me before….he had to tell Tj the same thing…he pointed out the door and said Cletus…He laughed again. It was great. Needless to say, Cj did not make it to Cletus until it was time for him to go with his parents. They came to pick them up. The baby woke without screaming which astounded me. I let her know that I was too afraid to pick her up because ….the child ….and …those screaming cries just unnerved me. I think she’s in real pain. Her teeth are coming in and her mother mentioned Colic and my face immediately made the I’m sorry look. My daughter had a touch of that and it was not great. At all. I got my first gray hair when she was a baby going through that. And that’s the truth.

So – Cj told us bye and went out into Cletus to go get into his family’s car and the baby gave me a look like – I’ll see you later and I shook a little bit. I managed a  Bye bye little one before retreating to my room where there was comfort and quiet. The day man….I need a dark liquor and a cigar. I need $5,000 and a Vegas all inclusive pass…I need a kilo of …okay I’m tripping. That’s not even me. Let me stop that nonsense. But I seriously thought about smoking weed today. I did. I almost inquired about it. Almost. Then I remembered, it was time for my anxiety med and all was right with the world.

Maybe next time when she visits – she’ll be nicer to me.? Maybe she’ll remember that I was the old woman that rocked her and attempted to sing to her and gave her awesome music to listen to. MAYBE…just maybe- the next time she sees me, she’ll be chatty and want to discuss societal hierarchies, or global thermonuclear war, or the Sorites Paradox…I’m dying to know her thoughts on these things.

Aside of little Ari (the munchkin God sent to test me) telling her brother to hold her beer while she was here – I know they had some kind of wager going to see who would break first – she was a lovely house guest. Next time we will do girly things like paint toe nails, do each others hair and read good books…hopefully she’ll see fit not to pee on me again. Hopefully.

I wish her mother strength, the baby is quite bossy. I knew this when she tried to throw my phone to the floor. The screen is already cracked. I don’t think it can take another blow.

But to you all who have made it to the end. I thank you and ummm….I’m gonna go step out into Cletus and enjoy some night air and that double moon thingy (really its just the full moon and mars nearby – still waiting on the planetary alignment to occur). I may or may not have a cigarette. I feel pretty good right now. No anxiety to speak of so that’s good.

Alright loves, I’ve talked your ear off enough. Go and enjoy the rest of your evening and if you feel so inclined to do so – go visit Cletus and take some binoculars or telescope with you. I am under the same big sky looking up just as you are.

Goodnight ♥